VIDEO DUMP: FEARGAL SHARKEY "YOU LITTLE THIEF" (1986)

Classic 80s cheese. I think the comment by GoToHell22 says it all: "Great video . . . or GREATEST video?"

VIDEO DUMP: ALANIS MORRISETTE 'MY HUMPS'

Alanis asks the musical question first posited by Fergie: "Whatcha gonna do with all that ass inside them jeans?" This cover version is reminiscent of Tori Amos' "Smells Like Teen Spirit" back in 1992, only this is hilarious.



Damn, those Canadians are funny.

Alanis Morrisette "My Humps" [YouTube]

KWIK-E BLOG

It's the MUSIC DUMP version of KWIK-E BLOG: little things that I felt like saying that don't really deserve their own entry.

List of indie bands that are popular that I just "don't get": Arcade Fire, Of Montreal, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, LCD Soundsystem, Mew, The Knife, and Sufjan Fucking Stevens. They're all incredibly whiny and just ANNOY ME. I had to get that off my chest.

I hate when people say, "Oh, The Cars are nothing without Rick Ocasek, their lead singer." While this sentence is partly true, The Cars are also not the same without Ben Orr. Most people think he only sang the hit song "Drive", but he took the wheel for more songs than you might realize. For instance, the song "Just What I Needed", that we get to hear every 15 seconds on commercials for Circuit City, was sung by him, as well as "Let's Go", "Bye Bye Love", "Candy-O" and "Moving In Stereo". So yes, Rick Ocasek sang a lot of the later MTV friendly hits, but The Cars could easily perform those songs without him . . . well, if Ben Orr didn't die in 2000.

I used to anticipate Radiohead album releases. But at this point they've been working on this new album for 4 years or so, and I couldn't give a flying crap if they finish it or not. If they break up I could care less. Ugh. They've really turned into a disappointing ego-trip-laden mess.

Did any band flame out quicker than The Strokes? Great first album, incredibly short and forgettable 2nd, almost swept under the rug 3rd album with little reason to recommend it. Nice knowin' ya!

It's irritating to see The Jam are selling Cadillacs with their classic song "Start!" Ugh.

I want to go see Robyn Hitchcock in concert at the Knitting Factory. Since I can't find anyone who likes him, I might be going alone.

I caved in and bought tickets to see The Police, July 31st in Hartford. More on that later.

ROCK THE VOTE: MARCH BAND MADNESS!

It's March and of course it's time to choose your brackets . . . FOR BAND MADNESS! (Not marching band madness.)

A huge-ass bracket featuring 512 musical acts (placed in 4 brackets of 128) are matched up head-to-head until only one remains: THE BEST BAND EVER. Or something. Previous winners Nine Inch Nails are not in the running to make it more interesting. Brackets A and B are done, but Brackets C is up now and D is up tomorrow.

To get a taste of it, here's what last year's bracket looked like. I love the artist profiles, that breakdown how they did in the 2006 tournament:

Modest Mouse
2006 Tournament Results:
R1: Defeated Chicago (60%)
R2: Lost to Blue Oyster Cült (52%)

I guess Modest Mouse should have used a little more cowbell (I'm going to guess I'm not the first to make that joke).

John Lennon
2006 Tournament Results:
R1: Defeated Motley Crüe (80%)
R2: Defeated Garth Brooks (84%)
R3: Defeated Talking Heads (52%)
R4: Defeated Beach Boys (59%)
R5: Defeated Beck (63%)
Sweet Sixteen: Defeated The Who (51%)
Elite Eight: Lost to Johnny Cash

The Cure
2006 Tournament Results:
R1: Defeated Wilson Phillips (94%)
R2: Defeated Steve Miller Band (59%)
R3: Defeated John Mellencamp (85%)
R4: Defeated Paul McCartney (61%)
R5: Defeated Sublime (74%)
Sweet Sixteen: Defeated Rolling Stones (55%)
Elite Eight: Lost to Depeche Mode (58%)

Depeche Mode in the Final Four, and The Cure in the Elite Eight? Wow. Who knew?

2006 FINAL FOUR: Pink Floyd beat Johnny Cash, NIN beat Depeche Mode
FINAL: NIN beat Pink Floyd

As for the 2007 bracket, here's my Bracket C Breakdown.

The 1/16 matchups (the underdog doesn't stand a chance):
Johnny Cash (95%) vs. Village People, Led Zeppelin (92%) vs. Evanescence, U2 (92%) vs. Shania Twain, Metallica (91%) vs. Creed, The Who (91%) vs. Seal.
Ha ha, Seal! The only votes he got were for screwing Heidi Klum.

Surprisingly close matchups:
Jesus and Mary Chain (51%) vs. Incubus (49%). Please, J&MC beats any rock band with a "turntableist".
The Replacements (51%) over ABBA (49%). "Waitress in the Sky" vs. "Dancing Queen"? This should not be this close!
Queens of the Stone Age (53%) vs. Bob Seger (47%). Someone shoot Seger with a silver bullet. I guess everyone forgets those goddamn "Like a Rock" commercials now that "This Is Ouuuuuuuuuur Country".

Surprising upsets:
Robert Palmer (74%) vs. 50 Cent (26%). Wow. I think a lot of (caucasian) rockers are voting on this thing.

The 8/9 matchups (the ones I had the most trouble with):
Frank Zappa (65%) vs. The Cult (35%). I like the idea of Frank more than listening to him; there's only so much you can take at once. But The Cult is one of the most underrated rock bands of the 80s.
Beck (80%) vs. Psychedelic Furs (20%). I didn't think this would be so lopsided
Aerosmith (81%) vs. Toto (19%). That's a real headscratcher. I guess Toto sucks less. (?)

Ones I have to disagree with:
Rancid (58%) vs. Barry Manilow (42%). Somehow Rancid is winning this one, but Barry was on Colbert Report so he gets my vote.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs (62%) vs. Spoon (38%). YYY just isn't that great; Spoon is the shit.

It's hard to read this bracket to get a feel for whom will meet whom or The Who in the final 64, but it's definitely been anti-country so far, so I will be following it closely. I guess we'll wait and see. The irony: Madness is not in it.

GO ROCK THE VOTE . . . LITERALLY!

JOHN MEYER: EXPLAINING THE MEANING OF "YOUR BODY'S A WONDERLAND"

Hi, my name is John Meyer and I'm a popular singer/songwriter. I released my first solo album Room for Squares back in 2001 when I was only 24, and it was incredibly well received. You probably remember one of the songs from that album, "Your Body's a Wonderland". If you were a young female fan of mine back then, this was probably your favorite song. A lot of the girls in the audience used to sing the song back to me, and I really appreciated it. I suppose you imagined that I was singing the song about you. In fact, you might have even fantasized a little, and thought about what it would be like to discover me discovering you in that room for two. You may have even dreamt about me using my hands, which are admittedly kind of rough and covered with calluses from playing the guitar all the time. But some of you were really into this song, and it was all very flattering.

I just feel that I should clear the air, as this has been on my mind since I started playing it at every one of my shows. I think it's time I told you the truth about this song: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about Jessica Simpson.

That's right. Look, I don't mean to be a dick, but when I wrote this song I really wasn't picturing all the pudgy teenage girls, frumpy housewives, and pale skinny chicks that came to my shows. And although I appreciate you, my most ardent fans, I definitely wasn't writing about swimming in a deep sea of blankets with you. When I sing about 'candy lips and a bubblegum tongue', it's probably pretty obvious I'm talking about a Top 99 Hottest Women type. No offense, but that's what I was picturing, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

Let's face it, I'm a big multiple Grammy® Award winning rock star now. I worked hard at my craft to get to where I am, and my idea of success isn't slumming with some porcelain faced groupie who lives with 10 cats and cries at rock concerts. It's about tagging the hottest piece of ass I can find. And if I'm going to drop $500 on dinner at NOBU, I'm definitely not going with some fat chick; I'm going to have a world class babe on my arm when the paparazzi snap away.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from, and I hope you're not mad at me. Although I think you're a beautiful person and all that, it's not specifically your body that is a wonderland. I hope we can still be friends. My newest album Continuum is available on CD and at iTunes.



Love,
John

GREG PATILLO "MARIO FLUTE"

I guess this qualifies as music: a beatboxing flute player. Yeah, I never thought I'd type that phrase either. Here's Greg Patillo playing "Mario Flute", his rendition of the various music from the classic NES Super Mario Bros. video game. Excellent!



He also does "Inspector Gadget" and "Sesame Street". Pretty amazing.

"WEIRD" AL YANKOVIC - BOB

This is nothing short of brilliant. The lyrics of this 'Weird' Al song are made up entirely of palindromes, and the video is a parody of Bob Dylan's classic "Subterranean Homesick Blues" (from D.A. Pennebaker's Don't Look Back). Hilarious.

A FISTFUL OF FESTIVALS

Here's the real 2007 Bonnaroo artist lineup (partial):

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov't Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti and Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD'S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • The Richard Thompson Band • Cold War Kids • Girl Talk • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross

Alas, no Tom Waits and no Dylan--I knew the "rumored" list was bullshit. The only ones they got right were The Police, Lily Allen, Fountains of Wayne, Girl Talk, Annuals, Cold War Kids, The Decemberists, and a couple of minor bands. But they added Wilco, Flaming Lips, Tool, White Stripes, Spoon, The Black Keys, Manu Chao, Damien Rice, and Richard Thompson (not to mention the comedy of David Cross, Lewis Black and Dave Attell). So it's pretty damn interesting as it is. Wait a sec--HOT TUNA? Aren't they 500 years old?

Sasquatch Music Festival is way the fuck up in the Northwest, and features Björk, Beastie Boys, Interpol, Arcade Fire, Spoon, among others. It's 2718 miles from my apartment, in George, Washington. Get it? George Washington? Crafty, those Washingtonians.

In support of their 6th album Zeitgeist(to be released 07.07.07, a neat number and also my mom's birthday) Smashing Pumpkins will also be doing the festival thing, though only in Europe so far. And no, it's not a reunion. People are even nitpicking and saying "it's not really SP without D'Arcy and Iha", but I liken it to The Cure, who can be Robert Smith and anyone and still be The Cure.

Definitely not a reunion: The Jam will be touring . . . without Paul Weller. Huh? Okay, that would be like seeing The Cure without Robert Smith.

As always, these festivals never happen in the Northeast. Grrr.

F***! THE POLICE ON THE GRAMMYS

"Hello, we're the Police and we're back!" And so began the Grammy Awards last night, as the reformed trio sang "Roxanne" (which was a good bet). While it was a competent rendition, it wasn't really that exciting, though it was thankfully 100% lute free. Some people commented that he can't hit the high notes in the chorus, but he didn't attempt those in 1979 either--I think he only did that the one time in the studio, actually. I was actually focusing on how the 3 of them looked (in HD), and despite Stewart Copeland's old man glasses they looked pretty much intact. But as soon as Jamie Foxx came on after the song ended, I quickly switched to "The Simpsons", and I was done watching (8:00 - 8:05). So it's official: I can no longer say I saw their last public performance in person. Oh well.

Only two other notes I have about the Grammy winners:

1) St. Elsewhere by Gnarls Barkley won Best Alternative Album. Alternative to what? How is something alternative when it's on every radio station? They were quite possibly the biggest crossover band of the year, so they were as non-alternative as you could get. I would have given it to the Arctic Monkeys.

2) Two words: "My Humps". Yes, that shitty song by Black Eyed Peas won an award, beating Death Cab for Cutie, The Fray, and Keane for Best Song by Duo or Group. Given the choices, I would have even allowed Pussycat Dolls to win that. Are you fucking kidding me?

And with that, the Grammys can go screw themselves. I was quite happy in a world that loathed the Dixie Chicks. What a nightmare the recording industry has become.

POLICE FORCE STING TO DROP LUTE; REUNION WILL RAKE IN LOOT

You might have heard that the other two members of The Police are holding an intervention at the Grammy Awards on 2/11/07, making Sting drop the lute and forcing him to play good music. I almost thought about tuning in this year because of this to wonder how they'll sound. I bet they're going to play "Be My Girl - Sally". Or maybe a medley featuring "Synchronicty II", "Man in a Suitcase" and "Don't Stand So Close To Me '07 (featuring Xhibit and Fergie)".

Everyone is assuming a World Tour is to follow, or at the very least a few festival dates. For all of this to happen I think Stewart Copeland must have compromising photos of Sting that he's using to blackmail him. Whatever the case may be, here are some things you probably didn't know about The Police:

• Sting was born Gorbley Fantastico McSwiggan, which was changed to Gordon Sumner III before he finally switched to his nickname.

• Guitarist Andy Summers is deaf. (I mean, have you heard the guitar solo during "Driven To Tears"? Yikes.)

• Because of religious reasons, Stewart Copeland refuses to play the drums before dusk.

• Sting stole his nickname from the famous WCW wrestler Steve Borden.

• During their 1982 Synchronicity Tour, the band had a "rider" that demanded that they be provided with freshly caught haddock, 12 cans of spotted dick, lawn darts, a frisbee, and an accordion tuner at every show.

• Stewart Copeland once ordered a ham sandwich in Texas, and returned it because it had mustard on it instead of the mayonnaise that he clearly ordered. The sandwich was given to him at no charge.

• The song "Man In A Suitcase" was written about a man who was found dead in a suitcase attempting to sneak on board their tour plane.

• Andy Summers' favorite season is spring.

• Stewart Copeland's drumsticks are whittled from the bones of African cheetahs.

• "Tea In The Sahara" is based on a children's book by W. Somerset Maugham entitled "Everybody Poops".

• Sting practices "tantric sex", which allows him to watch pornography for up to 8 hours at a time without sleeping or ordering pizza.

KNEE DEEP IN THE WINDOWS HOOPLA

Microsoft has released Windows Vista, their latest attempt to mimic the current MAC OS, and I couldn't be more excited. And no, not because I love that "new operating system smell", it's because Jefferson Starship is helping Microsoft launch Vista. How you ask? By donating a song? Nope, by performing on a flatbed truck in L.A., San Francisco, Austin and New Orleans, presumably the only cities proven to have been built on rock and roll. To this news, I can only respond with a hearty "WTF?"

Over a decade ago Bill tried (and failed) to buy R.E.M.'s "It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" for Microsoft's Windows95 commercials, and instead threw wads of cash at perpetual moneywhores The Rolling Stones to use "Start Me Up". But this is an incredibly odd choice--was Styx not available? I don't even know who is even in the band anymore (certainly not Grace Slick, the only one I can remember). I can picture Bill Gates coming up with this brilliant idea while in his Monty Burns-like giant airplane hangar sized office, watching a bootlegged copy of the "Star Wars Holiday Special" during the holidays (on a computer using Windows Media Player, naturally):

Bill: Who are those young go-getters? I like the cut of their jib!
Smithers: Uhm, that's the rock band Jefferson Starship, sir.
Bill: Why, those young space-age scamps would be perfect entertainment for our new Vista operating system! If they're good enough for Star Wars, they're good enough for me! Just think of the merchandising--the kids will eat it up. Get Darth Vader on the telephone.
Smithers: But sir, that special was filmed in 1978 and I don't think . . .
Bill: Pish posh! Get them now, and I don't care how much money it takes! Oh, and make sure we sent Lucas one of those "Happy Life Day" cards. *Blasted spineless liberals.*

(I assume he has a Smithersesque toady that works for him.)

BONNAROOMERS

From the "So Ridiculous It Can't Possibly Be True Deparment", it's the rumored 2007 Bonnaroo Music Festival non-official lineup.

The Police (headline), Bob Dylan (headline), Pearl Jam (headline)

Tom Waits, Willie Nelson, Umphrey's McGee, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, Modest Mouse, The Black Crowes, Ryan Adams, My Morning Jacket, Arcade Fire, Keller Williams Band, Hot Chip, America, TV on the Radio, Fountains of Wayne, Les Claypool, The Shins, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Toots and the Maytals, The Roots, The Decemberists, Of Montreal, Cat Power, Ozomatli, Perpetual Groove, Band of Horses, John Butler Trio, Nickel Creek, Medeski Martin and Wood, Lily Allen, Neko Case, Keiren Hedben (Four Tet) & Steve Reid, The Hold Steady, Earl Scuggs, Charlie Louvin, Man Man, Grizzly Bear, Konono #1, The Slip, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Uncle Earl, Annuals, Beirut, M. Ward, Cold War Kids, Girl Talk.

So there's the long rumored reunion of The Police on there, but Bob Dylan AND Tom Waits? Don't make me regret not going to this. Some of this could be true, but it starts to read like an indie music geek's wet dream, especially when you put all these on the same bill: Shins, Decemberists, Hold Steady, Beirut, M. Ward, Lily Allen, Neko Case, Cat Power, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, TV on the Radio . . . yikes. We'll see how much of this is bullshit when the official lineup is released on Feb 14th. If The Smiths are on there, I'm definitely taking a road trip. (Yes, that same tired rumor. Of course, Morrissey said he'd rather eat his own testicles, and since he doesn't use them for anything there's still a chance. Although I think it was over when Andy Rourke sold his bass on ebay, I'm still predicting a Vegas reunion in 2018.)

Meanwhile, reunions seem to be a tradition at Coachella, Rage Against the Machine, Jesus and Mary Chain, and Crowded House are all reuniting for 2007, as they go to 3 days. Every year I think about going to one of these, and every year I think about how disgusting the whole venture is. Plus, that's way too much time to spend in the desert. Although it would be funny if Damien Rice played right after RATM. Maybe they'll do some songs together. Maybe "Leather and Lace" or that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song.

I can't imagine how crazy the Rage reunion is going to be. I remember seeing them at the 1993 version of Lollapalooza when people barely knew them and THAT was intense. The concert was held in this dry dust bowl of a field (Waterloo, in NJ) and when the music kicked in and the mosh pit started churning, you were immediately covered in dirt. We decided to make our way out of the crowd and stood at a reasonable distance to listen to them, and there was a veritable mushroom cloud of dust in front of the stage. Good times, good times. I'm just not cut out for that shit anymore.

REUNIONS GALORE!

More reunions to warn you about:

GENESIS are set to turn it on again, touring with the "...And Then There Were Three" members (which means no Peter Gabriel, of course). Man, these guys look incredibly old, but then again they looked like old men in the 1981 videos for ABACAB. So far the only dates are in Europe, which is fitting because Phil Collins is HUGE in France (he was on the radio every 10 minutes while I was over there).

AMERICA have inexplicably reunited. They're putting out a double album this month with one disc of new songs featuring numerous guest stars, and a second disc of their hits "live in the studio". A pair of those guests, Ryan Adams and Ben Kweller, will be playing with on David Letterman tonight. "70s rock icons" might be pushing it, but they did have 3 hit songs.

What 70s band will reunite next? Bread? Orleans? And where's Seals and/or Crofts?

WHAT I LISTENED TO: 2006

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not by Arctic Monkeys.
No, they're not the second coming of The Beatles, or even The Jam. But you can believe the hype as these bloody lads can play, and the lyrics are quite interesting coming from a teenager. I'm interested to see what they do for an encore.

Everything All The Time by Band of Horses.
It's hard to beat this disc for sheer enjoyment. Just go download "The Funeral" now. Do it.

The Information by Beck.
Although I was secretly hoping for another Sea Change, this album has a good groove to it. Mr. Hansen can record an album like this in his sleep, it seems.

Gulag Orkestar by Beirut.
Out of left field, this album gets more intriguing with every listen. Former drummer of Neutral Milk Hotel creates something reminiscent of their excellent In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Perfect soundtrack for your next Eastern Bloc Party!

12 EPs by Bishop Allen. These guys put out an EP every month for the entire year, and although I haven't heard all the songs plenty of them are on their website to sample. I'm impressed just by their determination. Meanwhile, I didn't do a damn thing in 2006.

Fort Recovery by Centro-matic.
Apparently these guys have been around for over 10 years, but I'm just catching up now. An effortless, solid disc. Think Wilco, circa Being There, before they went all weird on us.

Unplugged in Sweden by Chris Cornell.
Broadcast on the radio somewhere in Europe (I think) this excellent quality collection is technically not an "album". I've been begging for him to get back together with Kim Thayil and make an album like this; armed with just an acoustic guitar, you can really appreciate Cornell's incredible rock pipes. I was first alerted to this by the "Billie Jean" cover, which surprisingly doesn't suck. It's more than worth seeking it out for the Temple of the Dog and Soundgarden songs, and the Audioslave songs benefit from this uncomplicated treatment.

All This Time by Heartless Bastards.
See my previous post.

Nineteeneighties by Grant Lee Phillips.
Plaintive, folksy versions of New Order's "Age of Consent", Pixies' "Wave of Mutilation" and Psychedelic Furs' "Love My Way"? Sign me up.

Broken Boy Soldiers by The Raconteurs.
Brendan Benson smooths out Jack White's White Stripes histrionics to create a fun rock album.

Orphans by Tom Waits.
3 CDs worth of odds and ends, and all of it as interestingly weird as any of his best stuff.

Post-War by M. Ward.
I first discovered this songwriter through his Transfiguration of Vincent album, and went ahead and downloaded this "full band treatment" as well. Excellent stuff. I just hope his first name isn't "Montgomery", that'd be awkward.

HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY BOWIE!

David Bowie turned 60 today. I actually went to his 50th birthday bash in MSG, which I can't believe was 10 years ago. I'm more a fan of his 70s and early 80s work, and not as familiar with his latest stuff (that's not to say it's bad, it's just that I've only sporadically listened to it). Whether or not you're actually into his music, you can't deny that he's been a consistently interesting singer, songwriter, actor, and an overall fantastic performer. Of course, he also paved the way for androgynous performers across the globe, for better or worse.

On this occasion, I present the 1984 short film Jazzin' For Blue Jean. A promo for his less than spectacular Tonight album and "Blue Jean" single. Directed by Julien Temple, Bowie plays both pampered rock star Screamin' Lord Byron (self-parody, no doubt) and a fan trying to sneak into his show to impress a date. Very funny stuff.

He also recently guest starred in an incredibly funny episode of Ricky Gervais' Extras, which was already on BBC and is due to play on HBO this month.

PART I - JAZZIN' FOR BLUE JEAN


PART II - JAZZIN' FOR BLUE JEAN

ME ON U2 BY U2

I just wanted to mention that the coffee table book, U2 by U2 (which I got for Christmas) is a fascinating historical account of the band. Weighing in at 352 pages, this has hundreds of excellent photos and interesting commentary by their four members. They come off as pretty humble, and surprisingly insecure about their own success. And I found this fun fact: Adam Clayton, during a 1994 hiatus before making the POP album, decided to work on his technique by reading "Bass Guitar For Dummies". No, that's not a joke.

However, the book can never be complete since U2 is still planning on recording more stuff. In fact, Bono wants to "take things to the next level" . . . whatever that means. I yawn when I hear the past two albums, so a change would be good for them. I for one was intrigued by the POP/Passengers phase of their career, but I don't see them experimenting THAT much at this stage in the game.

REUNION RUMORS ARE AT A FEVER PITCH!

The Police reunion talk is at a fever pitch . . . whatever that means. Personally, I don't want them to reunite because I was at the final (public) show they played together at the Amnesty International "Conspiracy of Hope" Tour in 1986 (with U2, Peter Gabriel, Lou Reed, and . . . Yoko Ono).

Smashing Pumpkins reunion talks are at a fever pitch . . . but is it truly a reunion without bassist D'Arcy Wretzky (the best name to use if you need something to rhyme with Wayne Gretzky)?

The Smiths reunion talk is NOT at a fever pitch, but Morrissey did win quote of the year for this gem: "I'd rather eat my own testicles than reform with the Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."

TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006

I want to apologize for the "Best of" music lists that I posted the other day. If you actually visited some of the sites/blogs that I linked to, you might have found some good indie rock songs. However, there's an equal chance that you also accidentally heard some unbelievably horrendous garbage. Holy sweet wolfmother, some of this stuff is atrocious! Indie bloggers seem to be in the mindset that they have to "outcool" the next guy by choosing bands that are obscure, avant-garde, and uncategorizable, preferably all of the above. They also want to praise their new find way before anyone else, and I don't think they actually spend any time LISTENING to it. When I hear some of this nonsense I wonder if people actually listen to this stuff at home, in the car, or at parties? I'm guessing no. These pseudohipsters just put it on their iPod along with 5,000 other things and listen to it on shuffle occasionally, and whip it out to impress god only knows who.

Before I slogged through some of these lists, I used to consider myself an "indie rock" fan, but I think I need a whole new genre to describe my tastes. Maybe "conventional indie rock": something with lyrics, a chorus, melodies, and a singer who can (sort of) carry a tune. A great deal of this stuff lacks all of those key ingredients that IMHO make music enjoyable and listenable.

So here's my TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006. Listen if you dare.

10. Grizzly Bear, Yellow House. You know, with a name like that, I expected something less wimpy. Okay, the song "Easier" is not that bad, but it surely doesn't ROCK MY FUCKING SOCKS OFF.
Favorite hipster quote: "The album was recorded in Edward Droste's mother's Cape Cod home, and that familial, clean sheets, cookies-baking warmth is weirdly palpable." (Pitchfork)

9. Regina Spektor, Begin To Hope. Just listen to the annoying way she extends the word "heart" in the song "Fidelity". I don't ever want to hear that again. I wish there was some way to UNhear it.
Favorite hipster quote: "The hushed 'Sampson' combines biblical imagery and references to Wonder Bread to sketch a relationship that's turned unexpectedly fragile." (Onion AV Club)

8. Matmos, The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of The Beast. An instrumental album filled with songs about famous gay artists? What does that even fucking mean? And where's Liberace? His exclusion from this project is an outrage. (Actually, I think I just hit on something: if it's described in a review as a "project", that means listening to it is going to feel like work. From now on, I'm going to focus on "albums" with "songs".)
Favorite hipster quote: "Take for example 'Public Sex For Boyd Mcdonald' which tries to convey the writer through the sound of a pencil scribbling on paper, the street at night, warped records, and well, public sex."
(Note: I just found out that one of the 2 members of this duo is a "Pitchfork contributor". Ah ha! I caught you, you nepotistic nimwits!)

7. Final Fantasy, He Poos Clouds. A band named after a queer Japanese videogame series. An album title with the word "poo" in it. A song lyric saying something about, "His massive genitals refused to cooperate/no amount of therapy can hope to save this memory." I want to kick this twee twat in his throat with his own foot.
Favorite hipster quote: "It's the personal nature, together with the way that Pallett’s vocals veer from fey to screamingly intense, which makes the sad fates of his characters in almost every song—impotence, boredom, self-harm, being killed by giant fish—compelling rather than abstract." (Stylus)

6. Man Man, Six Demon Bag. Well, they're certainly no Tin Tin, The The or Talk Talk; they don't even beat Lisa Lisa. It sounds like James Hetfield trapped at the circus. God, what the fuck is this?
Favorite hipster quote: "The countless Kodak moments here-- from the drunken lament of "Feathers" to the Noreaga shoutout on "Black Mission Goggles"-- only attest to Man Man's ability to power pawnshop ditties with a ramshackle classic rock bigness." (Pitchfork)

5. The Knife, Silent Shout. The Pitchfork Media #1 album of the year! Uh huh. Lord knows, I tried to listen to this, but the accents and the synths just irritate me. If I wanted horrible retro Swedish crap, I'd buy a bean bag chair from IKEA.
Favorite hipster quote: "The way they structure their tracks, every sound sticks out like a lone wire waiting to be stripped, but the more you tug on any given strand, the more all the rest--unstable harmonics, queered pitches, android shanties, looping tales of forest families--is plunged into the most addictive kind of inscrutability." (Pitchfork)

4. The Liars, Drums Not Dead. I don't know where to begin with this drum heavy offering. The song "Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack" is like one long primal drum solo augmented with the screams of the tortured souls forced to listen to it. Pretty soon you'll add your own screams.
Favorite hipster quote: "You will be hard pressed to find anything better this year." (FUNTIMEOK.com)

3. Boris, Pink. God, this is so irritating to listen to, like a Mogwai CD run across a cheese grater. "Pseudobread"? Pseudomusic! (See how I turned that around?) I call it "Crapcaphony".
Favorite hipster quote: "Prickled nerves and spasmodic movements aside, Boris’ contribution to the artistic color field is soporifically monochromatic: Ryman on Risperdal." (Stylus)

2. Scott Walker, The Drift. This guy's voice contains more bombast than Meat Loaf's Bat Out Of Hell III and Andrew Lloyd Webber combined. It's like goth opera for the mentally challenged. I defy you to listen to his song "Jesse" and not laugh your ass off, oh let's say at about 2:15 in.
Favorite hipster quote: "Presiding over this palace of gloom is Walker's gnarled, throaty croon, a gallows moan that braids sweetness and violence." (Pitchfork)

1. Joanna Newsom, Ys. This is inexplicably on most people's best of lists. If you want listen to a girl from California who has such an arty, affected voice that you'd think she's from Saturn, then this is for you. Otherwise, stay away from this pretentious Bjork ripoff.
Favorite hipster quote: "In the middle of this record, she sits alone with her harp for 10 minutes, asking stuffed birds 'Why the long face?'--it feels like four minutes, tops, and you can spend at least two of them right up toward the edge of your seat." (Pitchfork)

God, I am so done with Pitchfork and their indie sissy wannabe spinoff blogs (except if they offer free mp3s). 2007 is going to be the YEAR OF THE ROCK.


(Thanks to David Thorpe for the inspiration for this extended indie rock rant.)

MY TOP 20 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Here it is, my incredible Top 20 Favorite Christmas Songs list!

Wherever possible, there's a link to a YouTube video or an mp3 (thanks, random bloggers!). Those who did not make the cut: Lennon and/or McCartney, Elton John, Mariah Carey, Jim Nabors, Wham!, Jim Jones, Alvin & The Chipmunks, The Singing Dogs, Perry Como, Barney and Friends. Honorable mention: Death Cab for Cutie, Billy Crystal, James Brown, Run-DMC, Smashing Pumpkins, Kate Bush--there just wasn't enough room. Better luck next time!

20. Luciano Pavarotti - Adeste Fideles. Because you have to get your Latin on for Christmas, and who better to do it than the Biggest Tenor.


19. South Park's Mr. Garrison - Merry Fucking Christmas. Filthy, inappropriate, non-PC, and hilarious: yep, it's one of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics from "South Park", back when they were shocking AND funny. It was hard to choose just one of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's side-splitting holiday tunes (Chef's "What The Hell Child Is This?", Cartman's "O Holy Night", and Mr. Mackey's"Carol of the Bells" are also highlights), but it's hard to beat Mr. Garrison singing these lyrics: "Hey there Mr. Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas, put down that book the Koran and hear some holiday wishes! In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday, so get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate!" Wow, that's fantastic. (You know, I haven't seen it on TV in a while, I wonder why?)

18. Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick. Before Brian Wilson lost his mind, they were a quality boy band.

17. The Pretenders - 2000 Miles. I love Chrissie Hynde. She's always been a class act, and this is a great, wistful song about being apart on Christmas.

16. Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. The original and the best.

15. The Ventures - Sleigh Ride. Surf guitar kings knock this one out of the park.

14. Cocteau Twins - Frosty The Snowman. The original shoegazer band recorded this song in 1992. I love Elizabeth Frazer's voice, even if 90% of the time I have no idea what she's saying. (Unrelated note: "Teardrop" by Massive Attack is one of my favorite songs, and is also the theme song to House M.D., albeit with Liz' vocals edited out.) Remember: if it's not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!


13.The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York. "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Merry Christmas your arse and thank God it's our last!" Ah, memories of spending the holidays with my Irish ex-girlfriend in the Bronx. Hearing this song I can practically taste the pint . . .

12. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby. Unfortunately, most people have only heard Madonna's abomination of this song, but this sultry, smoky original version is excellent.

11. Frank Sinatra - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. You know when Ol' Blue Eyes says the line "make the yuletide gay", he ain't talking about acting all queer-like; he's talking about knocking back a few scotchs and having a fun time. Capice?

10. Ella Fitzgerald - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Great version, and the only one I know with that "I just got back from a lovely trip across the Milky Way" opening line.

9. Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remember listening to this album in our old house at 659 Holmdel Road in Hazlet. Wow, just seeing that vintage record album cover brings me back to 1975. Yeah, he sang a few songs with George Clooney's aunt back in the day.

8. Burl Ives - A Holly Jolly Christmas. From the Rankin-Bass claymation legend "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer".


7. Elvis Presley - Blue Christmas. I can picture the King washing down his fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches with a healthy swig of egg nog after singing this bluesy romp.

6. Nat King Cole - The Christmas Song. His mellifluous voice makes this the quintessential version of this Mel Torme classic.


5. U2 - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). Recorded during a Joshua Tree concert sound check at the height of their powers. You know, before Bono tried to save the world and all that.

4. Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal). West Coast jazz from the 70s TV classic "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I couldn't decide between this and "O Tannenbaum".


3. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy. From "Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas" special in 1977, the little skit preceding it with Mr. Bowie pretending to be a "neighbor just popping in" is priceless. ("Agents sliding down the chimney!" Oh, the comedy.) Anyway, it's a fantastic song, and the "I pray my wish will come true" line still gives me chills.


2. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas? This was an event when it came out in 1984, and I can still name all the singers that sing solo on this tune (in order): Paul Young, Boy George, George Michael, Simon LeBon, Sting, Tony Hadley (of Spandau Ballet), and Bono. Of course, there's also Midge Ure, Bob Geldof, Paul Weller, Status Quo, Kool and the Gang, Bananarama, the rest of Duran Duran, Phil Collins on drums, Marilyn . . . did I lose you yet?

1. Johnny Mathis - Winter Wonderland. The first track of his Merry Christmas (1958) album, it's not officially Christmas until I hear this song. Backed by the Percy Faith Orchestra, it's got just the right amount of spirit and schmaltz to carry me to otherworldly snowy realms. Sorry, it just makes me feel tingly, especially when he says "circus clown".

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(Just make sure you don't let that tree dry out.)

BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST

At year's end, it's hard to avoid these damn "best of" lists. So here is my BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST:

10. Most Annoying Pop Songs of 2006. I really thought Fergie was going to clinch this (ugh, I hate her). This MUST be amended to put Gwen Stefani's new song on here.

9. NPR Listeners Pick Best CDs of 2006. Odd considering all the ass kissing that this is one of the few lists that Tom Waits is on. Don't miss The Decemberists on The Colbert Report tonight!

8. I Guess I'm Floating's Best Songs Of 2006. There are 25 mp3s up here, so if you're indie (ha) that sort of thing grab them now.

7. Indie Rock Cafe Top 10 Albums of 2006. Although it's a rerelase of two early albums, I like the inclusion of Spoon's "Telephono/Soft Effects".

6. Slate. Like Kris said today, I don't even know half of the things on this guy's list, and it's heavy on the R&B, light on substance. Though they like Bob Dylan.

5c. Pitchfork Media's Worst Album Covers of 2006. NOT SAFE FOR WORK--or your funny bone! Ha ha, seriously, these are bad.

5b. Pitchfork's Top 100 Tracks of 2006. Unless you're being ironic, turn that Justin Timberlake song off. I'm only linking to all 10 pages for the copious amount of free mp3s. [2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10]

5a. Pitchfork Media's Top 50 Albums of 2006. The second list they've spewed forth in as many days is a doozy. Oddly, there were 15 albums ranked higher than their eventual #1 pick (by some Swedish band called The Knife). Maybe it's for the best, because unlistenable stuff like Joanna Newsom, and "maybe I don't get it, but they sound like an ordinary bar band to me" The Hold Steady, each of which scored a 9.4.

4. Stylus Magazine's Top 50 Albums Of 2006. I can't read more of these, I have a headache. Anyway, good to see Beirut up there. (Note: they should be finishing this up over the next couple of days.)

3. DoCopenhagen's Top 50 Videos Of 2006. This is an indie heavy list, and it's fantastic. Damien Rice's "9 Crimes" should have been on here just for its complete weirdness alone. Regardless, 50 embedded YouTube videos = an amazing time waster.

2. The Onion AV Club Top Music of 2006. They too went with the "retro record player" photo, but their list is strangely more indie than PM's. Huh. I like the Onion more and more each day.

1. Metacritic's Best of 2006. Probably the most "democratic" of all the lists, it too is a "list of lists" that compiles everyone else's best of 2006. I have to say that I'm not hip enough to know who Ali Farka Toure is. By the way, I love how everyone was all ga-ga about Gnarls Barkley at the beginning of the year, and now no one wants to admit they listened to it. Of course, if it wasn't a hit and no one bought it, it would be everyone's #1. (I don't care how many people like TV on the Radio, I refuse to buy an album called "Return to Cookie Mountain".)