THESE THINGS TAKE TIME: THE SMITHS REUNION IS ON!

The Smiths have put aside their petty differences after 20 years and have decided to reunite!

They have not yet set a timeline, but they may perform live for the first time since 1987 in a few choice locations in the UK, Europe and New York and L.A. during spring 2009. Depending on how these shows go, they may agree to do more dates. (Or they may not. Who knows with this bunch?)

"I think it was about time we buried the hatchet metaphorically instead of into the backs of each others' skulls," the always quotable Morrissey said at a press conference today, surprisingly sitting next to bassist Andy Rourke. "I won't lie to you: we've been offered an embarrassing amount of money to do this. Though it's not about that, it's about putting aside the animosity we've felt for so long. It's all about maturing, which as you can see, I've done like a fine wine." Rourke barely got a word in edgewise, as you could imagine.

No monetary amounts were disclosed but it's rumoured to be more than the £40 million ($75 million) initially mentioned (hopefully, it will be equally split 4 ways to avoid any bitchslapping). Johnny Marr could not be reached for comment as he is touring with Modest Mouse, but he is expected to join the band this fall for an official announcement of their future plans. This comes hot on the heels of an October 2007 comment by Marr about a possible reunion, and after the news that Mike Joyce really needs cash for some dental work.

None of this is official yet so it's a wait-and-see, but I'm psyched.

1 April 2008: Smiths reunion press conference [YouTube]

UPDATE (10:00 PM): I forgot to add . . . APRIL FOOLS!

REUNION MANIA!

This week's "huh?" reunion goes to Squeeze. The early 80s band are best known for quirky pop tunes like "Pulling Mussels (From The Shell)", "Hourglass" and "Black Coffee In Bed". The group's singing/songwriting team of Chris Difford and Glenn Tillbrook have buried the hatchet and are doing some shows together for the first time since 1999. Why, you might ask? To sell their brand new (old) rereleased back catalog! At least they're not dishonest about their motivations. No word on the rest of the lineup, which has featured Paul Carrack (the other singer, on "Tempted") and Jools Holland during its various incarnations. I saw them open for Bowie back in 1987 and they were an infectiously fun band in concert. Their first show stateside is in Londonderry, NH, of all places.

In other news, Spinal Tap are "reuniting" for a London show called Live Earth (to benefit the earth, I guess). This reunion should also garner a "what?", except for the fact that they HAVE to appear as Spinal Tap at least once every 5 years or so to keep them alive, since they don't own the rights to the band (French company Loreal actually does, for some reason). Also appearing at the 7/7/07 show at Wembley: Genesis, James Blunt, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Snow Patrol, Bloc Party, Duran Duran, and Mrs. Guy Ritchie.

There's also a Giants Stadium show, which includes The Police, The Smashing Pumpkins, Alicia Keys, Kelly Clarkson, KT Tunstall, Fall Out Boy, Roger Waters, Kanye West and Bon Jovi --why do we get the suckiest lineup? I blame fucking American Idol. At least "The Simpsons" parody was mildly funny. The best part of the Jack Black clip (below) is Kyle Gass' reaction shots with the white rose.

F***! THE POLICE ON THE GRAMMYS

"Hello, we're the Police and we're back!" And so began the Grammy Awards last night, as the reformed trio sang "Roxanne" (which was a good bet). While it was a competent rendition, it wasn't really that exciting, though it was thankfully 100% lute free. Some people commented that he can't hit the high notes in the chorus, but he didn't attempt those in 1979 either--I think he only did that the one time in the studio, actually. I was actually focusing on how the 3 of them looked (in HD), and despite Stewart Copeland's old man glasses they looked pretty much intact. But as soon as Jamie Foxx came on after the song ended, I quickly switched to "The Simpsons", and I was done watching (8:00 - 8:05). So it's official: I can no longer say I saw their last public performance in person. Oh well.

Only two other notes I have about the Grammy winners:

1) St. Elsewhere by Gnarls Barkley won Best Alternative Album. Alternative to what? How is something alternative when it's on every radio station? They were quite possibly the biggest crossover band of the year, so they were as non-alternative as you could get. I would have given it to the Arctic Monkeys.

2) Two words: "My Humps". Yes, that shitty song by Black Eyed Peas won an award, beating Death Cab for Cutie, The Fray, and Keane for Best Song by Duo or Group. Given the choices, I would have even allowed Pussycat Dolls to win that. Are you fucking kidding me?

And with that, the Grammys can go screw themselves. I was quite happy in a world that loathed the Dixie Chicks. What a nightmare the recording industry has become.

POLICE FORCE STING TO DROP LUTE; REUNION WILL RAKE IN LOOT

You might have heard that the other two members of The Police are holding an intervention at the Grammy Awards on 2/11/07, making Sting drop the lute and forcing him to play good music. I almost thought about tuning in this year because of this to wonder how they'll sound. I bet they're going to play "Be My Girl - Sally". Or maybe a medley featuring "Synchronicty II", "Man in a Suitcase" and "Don't Stand So Close To Me '07 (featuring Xhibit and Fergie)".

Everyone is assuming a World Tour is to follow, or at the very least a few festival dates. For all of this to happen I think Stewart Copeland must have compromising photos of Sting that he's using to blackmail him. Whatever the case may be, here are some things you probably didn't know about The Police:

• Sting was born Gorbley Fantastico McSwiggan, which was changed to Gordon Sumner III before he finally switched to his nickname.

• Guitarist Andy Summers is deaf. (I mean, have you heard the guitar solo during "Driven To Tears"? Yikes.)

• Because of religious reasons, Stewart Copeland refuses to play the drums before dusk.

• Sting stole his nickname from the famous WCW wrestler Steve Borden.

• During their 1982 Synchronicity Tour, the band had a "rider" that demanded that they be provided with freshly caught haddock, 12 cans of spotted dick, lawn darts, a frisbee, and an accordion tuner at every show.

• Stewart Copeland once ordered a ham sandwich in Texas, and returned it because it had mustard on it instead of the mayonnaise that he clearly ordered. The sandwich was given to him at no charge.

• The song "Man In A Suitcase" was written about a man who was found dead in a suitcase attempting to sneak on board their tour plane.

• Andy Summers' favorite season is spring.

• Stewart Copeland's drumsticks are whittled from the bones of African cheetahs.

• "Tea In The Sahara" is based on a children's book by W. Somerset Maugham entitled "Everybody Poops".

• Sting practices "tantric sex", which allows him to watch pornography for up to 8 hours at a time without sleeping or ordering pizza.

BONNAROOMERS

From the "So Ridiculous It Can't Possibly Be True Deparment", it's the rumored 2007 Bonnaroo Music Festival non-official lineup.

The Police (headline), Bob Dylan (headline), Pearl Jam (headline)

Tom Waits, Willie Nelson, Umphrey's McGee, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, Modest Mouse, The Black Crowes, Ryan Adams, My Morning Jacket, Arcade Fire, Keller Williams Band, Hot Chip, America, TV on the Radio, Fountains of Wayne, Les Claypool, The Shins, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Toots and the Maytals, The Roots, The Decemberists, Of Montreal, Cat Power, Ozomatli, Perpetual Groove, Band of Horses, John Butler Trio, Nickel Creek, Medeski Martin and Wood, Lily Allen, Neko Case, Keiren Hedben (Four Tet) & Steve Reid, The Hold Steady, Earl Scuggs, Charlie Louvin, Man Man, Grizzly Bear, Konono #1, The Slip, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Uncle Earl, Annuals, Beirut, M. Ward, Cold War Kids, Girl Talk.

So there's the long rumored reunion of The Police on there, but Bob Dylan AND Tom Waits? Don't make me regret not going to this. Some of this could be true, but it starts to read like an indie music geek's wet dream, especially when you put all these on the same bill: Shins, Decemberists, Hold Steady, Beirut, M. Ward, Lily Allen, Neko Case, Cat Power, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, TV on the Radio . . . yikes. We'll see how much of this is bullshit when the official lineup is released on Feb 14th. If The Smiths are on there, I'm definitely taking a road trip. (Yes, that same tired rumor. Of course, Morrissey said he'd rather eat his own testicles, and since he doesn't use them for anything there's still a chance. Although I think it was over when Andy Rourke sold his bass on ebay, I'm still predicting a Vegas reunion in 2018.)

Meanwhile, reunions seem to be a tradition at Coachella, Rage Against the Machine, Jesus and Mary Chain, and Crowded House are all reuniting for 2007, as they go to 3 days. Every year I think about going to one of these, and every year I think about how disgusting the whole venture is. Plus, that's way too much time to spend in the desert. Although it would be funny if Damien Rice played right after RATM. Maybe they'll do some songs together. Maybe "Leather and Lace" or that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song.

I can't imagine how crazy the Rage reunion is going to be. I remember seeing them at the 1993 version of Lollapalooza when people barely knew them and THAT was intense. The concert was held in this dry dust bowl of a field (Waterloo, in NJ) and when the music kicked in and the mosh pit started churning, you were immediately covered in dirt. We decided to make our way out of the crowd and stood at a reasonable distance to listen to them, and there was a veritable mushroom cloud of dust in front of the stage. Good times, good times. I'm just not cut out for that shit anymore.

REUNIONS GALORE!

More reunions to warn you about:

GENESIS are set to turn it on again, touring with the "...And Then There Were Three" members (which means no Peter Gabriel, of course). Man, these guys look incredibly old, but then again they looked like old men in the 1981 videos for ABACAB. So far the only dates are in Europe, which is fitting because Phil Collins is HUGE in France (he was on the radio every 10 minutes while I was over there).

AMERICA have inexplicably reunited. They're putting out a double album this month with one disc of new songs featuring numerous guest stars, and a second disc of their hits "live in the studio". A pair of those guests, Ryan Adams and Ben Kweller, will be playing with on David Letterman tonight. "70s rock icons" might be pushing it, but they did have 3 hit songs.

What 70s band will reunite next? Bread? Orleans? And where's Seals and/or Crofts?