TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006

I want to apologize for the "Best of" music lists that I posted the other day. If you actually visited some of the sites/blogs that I linked to, you might have found some good indie rock songs. However, there's an equal chance that you also accidentally heard some unbelievably horrendous garbage. Holy sweet wolfmother, some of this stuff is atrocious! Indie bloggers seem to be in the mindset that they have to "outcool" the next guy by choosing bands that are obscure, avant-garde, and uncategorizable, preferably all of the above. They also want to praise their new find way before anyone else, and I don't think they actually spend any time LISTENING to it. When I hear some of this nonsense I wonder if people actually listen to this stuff at home, in the car, or at parties? I'm guessing no. These pseudohipsters just put it on their iPod along with 5,000 other things and listen to it on shuffle occasionally, and whip it out to impress god only knows who.

Before I slogged through some of these lists, I used to consider myself an "indie rock" fan, but I think I need a whole new genre to describe my tastes. Maybe "conventional indie rock": something with lyrics, a chorus, melodies, and a singer who can (sort of) carry a tune. A great deal of this stuff lacks all of those key ingredients that IMHO make music enjoyable and listenable.

So here's my TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006. Listen if you dare.

10. Grizzly Bear, Yellow House. You know, with a name like that, I expected something less wimpy. Okay, the song "Easier" is not that bad, but it surely doesn't ROCK MY FUCKING SOCKS OFF.
Favorite hipster quote: "The album was recorded in Edward Droste's mother's Cape Cod home, and that familial, clean sheets, cookies-baking warmth is weirdly palpable." (Pitchfork)

9. Regina Spektor, Begin To Hope. Just listen to the annoying way she extends the word "heart" in the song "Fidelity". I don't ever want to hear that again. I wish there was some way to UNhear it.
Favorite hipster quote: "The hushed 'Sampson' combines biblical imagery and references to Wonder Bread to sketch a relationship that's turned unexpectedly fragile." (Onion AV Club)

8. Matmos, The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of The Beast. An instrumental album filled with songs about famous gay artists? What does that even fucking mean? And where's Liberace? His exclusion from this project is an outrage. (Actually, I think I just hit on something: if it's described in a review as a "project", that means listening to it is going to feel like work. From now on, I'm going to focus on "albums" with "songs".)
Favorite hipster quote: "Take for example 'Public Sex For Boyd Mcdonald' which tries to convey the writer through the sound of a pencil scribbling on paper, the street at night, warped records, and well, public sex."
(Note: I just found out that one of the 2 members of this duo is a "Pitchfork contributor". Ah ha! I caught you, you nepotistic nimwits!)

7. Final Fantasy, He Poos Clouds. A band named after a queer Japanese videogame series. An album title with the word "poo" in it. A song lyric saying something about, "His massive genitals refused to cooperate/no amount of therapy can hope to save this memory." I want to kick this twee twat in his throat with his own foot.
Favorite hipster quote: "It's the personal nature, together with the way that Pallett’s vocals veer from fey to screamingly intense, which makes the sad fates of his characters in almost every song—impotence, boredom, self-harm, being killed by giant fish—compelling rather than abstract." (Stylus)

6. Man Man, Six Demon Bag. Well, they're certainly no Tin Tin, The The or Talk Talk; they don't even beat Lisa Lisa. It sounds like James Hetfield trapped at the circus. God, what the fuck is this?
Favorite hipster quote: "The countless Kodak moments here-- from the drunken lament of "Feathers" to the Noreaga shoutout on "Black Mission Goggles"-- only attest to Man Man's ability to power pawnshop ditties with a ramshackle classic rock bigness." (Pitchfork)

5. The Knife, Silent Shout. The Pitchfork Media #1 album of the year! Uh huh. Lord knows, I tried to listen to this, but the accents and the synths just irritate me. If I wanted horrible retro Swedish crap, I'd buy a bean bag chair from IKEA.
Favorite hipster quote: "The way they structure their tracks, every sound sticks out like a lone wire waiting to be stripped, but the more you tug on any given strand, the more all the rest--unstable harmonics, queered pitches, android shanties, looping tales of forest families--is plunged into the most addictive kind of inscrutability." (Pitchfork)

4. The Liars, Drums Not Dead. I don't know where to begin with this drum heavy offering. The song "Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack" is like one long primal drum solo augmented with the screams of the tortured souls forced to listen to it. Pretty soon you'll add your own screams.
Favorite hipster quote: "You will be hard pressed to find anything better this year." (FUNTIMEOK.com)

3. Boris, Pink. God, this is so irritating to listen to, like a Mogwai CD run across a cheese grater. "Pseudobread"? Pseudomusic! (See how I turned that around?) I call it "Crapcaphony".
Favorite hipster quote: "Prickled nerves and spasmodic movements aside, Boris’ contribution to the artistic color field is soporifically monochromatic: Ryman on Risperdal." (Stylus)

2. Scott Walker, The Drift. This guy's voice contains more bombast than Meat Loaf's Bat Out Of Hell III and Andrew Lloyd Webber combined. It's like goth opera for the mentally challenged. I defy you to listen to his song "Jesse" and not laugh your ass off, oh let's say at about 2:15 in.
Favorite hipster quote: "Presiding over this palace of gloom is Walker's gnarled, throaty croon, a gallows moan that braids sweetness and violence." (Pitchfork)

1. Joanna Newsom, Ys. This is inexplicably on most people's best of lists. If you want listen to a girl from California who has such an arty, affected voice that you'd think she's from Saturn, then this is for you. Otherwise, stay away from this pretentious Bjork ripoff.
Favorite hipster quote: "In the middle of this record, she sits alone with her harp for 10 minutes, asking stuffed birds 'Why the long face?'--it feels like four minutes, tops, and you can spend at least two of them right up toward the edge of your seat." (Pitchfork)

God, I am so done with Pitchfork and their indie sissy wannabe spinoff blogs (except if they offer free mp3s). 2007 is going to be the YEAR OF THE ROCK.


(Thanks to David Thorpe for the inspiration for this extended indie rock rant.)

MY TOP 20 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Here it is, my incredible Top 20 Favorite Christmas Songs list!

Wherever possible, there's a link to a YouTube video or an mp3 (thanks, random bloggers!). Those who did not make the cut: Lennon and/or McCartney, Elton John, Mariah Carey, Jim Nabors, Wham!, Jim Jones, Alvin & The Chipmunks, The Singing Dogs, Perry Como, Barney and Friends. Honorable mention: Death Cab for Cutie, Billy Crystal, James Brown, Run-DMC, Smashing Pumpkins, Kate Bush--there just wasn't enough room. Better luck next time!

20. Luciano Pavarotti - Adeste Fideles. Because you have to get your Latin on for Christmas, and who better to do it than the Biggest Tenor.


19. South Park's Mr. Garrison - Merry Fucking Christmas. Filthy, inappropriate, non-PC, and hilarious: yep, it's one of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics from "South Park", back when they were shocking AND funny. It was hard to choose just one of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's side-splitting holiday tunes (Chef's "What The Hell Child Is This?", Cartman's "O Holy Night", and Mr. Mackey's"Carol of the Bells" are also highlights), but it's hard to beat Mr. Garrison singing these lyrics: "Hey there Mr. Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas, put down that book the Koran and hear some holiday wishes! In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday, so get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate!" Wow, that's fantastic. (You know, I haven't seen it on TV in a while, I wonder why?)

18. Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick. Before Brian Wilson lost his mind, they were a quality boy band.

17. The Pretenders - 2000 Miles. I love Chrissie Hynde. She's always been a class act, and this is a great, wistful song about being apart on Christmas.

16. Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. The original and the best.

15. The Ventures - Sleigh Ride. Surf guitar kings knock this one out of the park.

14. Cocteau Twins - Frosty The Snowman. The original shoegazer band recorded this song in 1992. I love Elizabeth Frazer's voice, even if 90% of the time I have no idea what she's saying. (Unrelated note: "Teardrop" by Massive Attack is one of my favorite songs, and is also the theme song to House M.D., albeit with Liz' vocals edited out.) Remember: if it's not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!


13.The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York. "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Merry Christmas your arse and thank God it's our last!" Ah, memories of spending the holidays with my Irish ex-girlfriend in the Bronx. Hearing this song I can practically taste the pint . . .

12. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby. Unfortunately, most people have only heard Madonna's abomination of this song, but this sultry, smoky original version is excellent.

11. Frank Sinatra - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. You know when Ol' Blue Eyes says the line "make the yuletide gay", he ain't talking about acting all queer-like; he's talking about knocking back a few scotchs and having a fun time. Capice?

10. Ella Fitzgerald - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Great version, and the only one I know with that "I just got back from a lovely trip across the Milky Way" opening line.

9. Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remember listening to this album in our old house at 659 Holmdel Road in Hazlet. Wow, just seeing that vintage record album cover brings me back to 1975. Yeah, he sang a few songs with George Clooney's aunt back in the day.

8. Burl Ives - A Holly Jolly Christmas. From the Rankin-Bass claymation legend "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer".


7. Elvis Presley - Blue Christmas. I can picture the King washing down his fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches with a healthy swig of egg nog after singing this bluesy romp.

6. Nat King Cole - The Christmas Song. His mellifluous voice makes this the quintessential version of this Mel Torme classic.


5. U2 - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). Recorded during a Joshua Tree concert sound check at the height of their powers. You know, before Bono tried to save the world and all that.

4. Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal). West Coast jazz from the 70s TV classic "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I couldn't decide between this and "O Tannenbaum".


3. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy. From "Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas" special in 1977, the little skit preceding it with Mr. Bowie pretending to be a "neighbor just popping in" is priceless. ("Agents sliding down the chimney!" Oh, the comedy.) Anyway, it's a fantastic song, and the "I pray my wish will come true" line still gives me chills.


2. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas? This was an event when it came out in 1984, and I can still name all the singers that sing solo on this tune (in order): Paul Young, Boy George, George Michael, Simon LeBon, Sting, Tony Hadley (of Spandau Ballet), and Bono. Of course, there's also Midge Ure, Bob Geldof, Paul Weller, Status Quo, Kool and the Gang, Bananarama, the rest of Duran Duran, Phil Collins on drums, Marilyn . . . did I lose you yet?

1. Johnny Mathis - Winter Wonderland. The first track of his Merry Christmas (1958) album, it's not officially Christmas until I hear this song. Backed by the Percy Faith Orchestra, it's got just the right amount of spirit and schmaltz to carry me to otherworldly snowy realms. Sorry, it just makes me feel tingly, especially when he says "circus clown".

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(Just make sure you don't let that tree dry out.)

BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST

At year's end, it's hard to avoid these damn "best of" lists. So here is my BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST:

10. Most Annoying Pop Songs of 2006. I really thought Fergie was going to clinch this (ugh, I hate her). This MUST be amended to put Gwen Stefani's new song on here.

9. NPR Listeners Pick Best CDs of 2006. Odd considering all the ass kissing that this is one of the few lists that Tom Waits is on. Don't miss The Decemberists on The Colbert Report tonight!

8. I Guess I'm Floating's Best Songs Of 2006. There are 25 mp3s up here, so if you're indie (ha) that sort of thing grab them now.

7. Indie Rock Cafe Top 10 Albums of 2006. Although it's a rerelase of two early albums, I like the inclusion of Spoon's "Telephono/Soft Effects".

6. Slate. Like Kris said today, I don't even know half of the things on this guy's list, and it's heavy on the R&B, light on substance. Though they like Bob Dylan.

5c. Pitchfork Media's Worst Album Covers of 2006. NOT SAFE FOR WORK--or your funny bone! Ha ha, seriously, these are bad.

5b. Pitchfork's Top 100 Tracks of 2006. Unless you're being ironic, turn that Justin Timberlake song off. I'm only linking to all 10 pages for the copious amount of free mp3s. [2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10]

5a. Pitchfork Media's Top 50 Albums of 2006. The second list they've spewed forth in as many days is a doozy. Oddly, there were 15 albums ranked higher than their eventual #1 pick (by some Swedish band called The Knife). Maybe it's for the best, because unlistenable stuff like Joanna Newsom, and "maybe I don't get it, but they sound like an ordinary bar band to me" The Hold Steady, each of which scored a 9.4.

4. Stylus Magazine's Top 50 Albums Of 2006. I can't read more of these, I have a headache. Anyway, good to see Beirut up there. (Note: they should be finishing this up over the next couple of days.)

3. DoCopenhagen's Top 50 Videos Of 2006. This is an indie heavy list, and it's fantastic. Damien Rice's "9 Crimes" should have been on here just for its complete weirdness alone. Regardless, 50 embedded YouTube videos = an amazing time waster.

2. The Onion AV Club Top Music of 2006. They too went with the "retro record player" photo, but their list is strangely more indie than PM's. Huh. I like the Onion more and more each day.

1. Metacritic's Best of 2006. Probably the most "democratic" of all the lists, it too is a "list of lists" that compiles everyone else's best of 2006. I have to say that I'm not hip enough to know who Ali Farka Toure is. By the way, I love how everyone was all ga-ga about Gnarls Barkley at the beginning of the year, and now no one wants to admit they listened to it. Of course, if it wasn't a hit and no one bought it, it would be everyone's #1. (I don't care how many people like TV on the Radio, I refuse to buy an album called "Return to Cookie Mountain".)

PANDORA BOXING DAY

I found a great way to listen to Christmas music on Pandora. Create a new station, and type in your favorite artist and type "holiday" in parentheses. Like this: "Bing Crosby (holiday)" and you'll get all the Bing holiday classics that you can shake a bowl full of jelly at. Then you can add music to the station using the "(holiday)" name. Although beware: Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur) was just caught singing "Twelve Days of Christmas" on my station, and I had him captured and shot. We're not having another Jurassic Park fiasco. Not on my watch.

Merry Pandora!

RANDOM DUMPAGE

U2's Bono and Edge were on something called "Off The Record with Dave Stewart" on HBO. Although it felt a little like an hour long commercial for their new completely nonessential U218 singles album (IN STORES NOW!), it was interesting to listen to them talk about the genesis of songs such as "Bad" and "Bullet The Blue Sky". Eurythmics founder/producer Dave was an affable, knowledgeable host, but he did this weird "association" segment where he showed them album covers and had them comment on each one. When showed a copy of "Sgt. Pepper", Bono said something about The Beatles being "the overall top group ever . . . but I think we've got them on the run", which elicited groans from the crowd, and from me sitting at home. I also didn't agree with them when they said that "their best work is yet to come." Personally, I think I already own all of their vital music. After seeing them in concert in October 2005, and hating their last two discs, I don't have any use for them. But hey, they had a good run.

This is the best "rock n' roll mission statement" I've ever read: "Ghostland Observatory is not a band, but an agreement between two friends to create something that not only heals their beat-driven hearts, but pleases their rock 'n' roll souls". Amen, brah.

I love David Thorpe's hilarious musical rantings on Something Awful called Your Band Sucks, and his latest musings about heavy metal are priceless.

COMING SOON: MY TOP 20 XMAS SONGS OF ALL-TIME!

ALL YOU NEED TO BUY IS LOVE

When I first heard about The Beatles releasing LOVE (JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!), I gagged. The sheer audacity of these guys, constantly reworking, remastering, and rehashing their catalog and spitting it back at us, forcing us to purchase it over and over again. When I heard it was remixed by George Martin and his son for a Cirque de Soleil show, I cringed. When I saw the subtitle "At The Mirage" on the cover, I threw up in my mouth a little. The Beatles in Vegas! God, how I wanted to hate it.

Then I listened to it. I apologize; this album is excellent, inventive, sonically impressive, outstanding.

The Beatles have had all of these adjectives and more used to describe them over the last 40+ years, and when they were in their creative prime it's hard to argue that they didn't earn them. Like the Pitchfork review says, they were so good that they're no longer interesting to talk about. In fact, I get sick of hearing about them, and I'm a Beatles FAN. However, this impressive 21st century updating of their best material just might make them interesting again.

The best thing about this: it's not a "best of" (purists, you may leave now, and take a copy of 1 on your way out). On this sprawling 26 track suite, the songs seemlessly flow from one to the next; the sheer scope of this project is impressive, and overall the source material has never sounded better. But while a number of their songs remain mostly intact, lovingly tweaked and augmented with various instrumental clips, the fun of this collection is the artful reinterpretation of various songs remixed to fit right in with the current "mashup" music landscape. Hearing "Drive My Car/The Word/What You're Doing" and "Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite!/I Want You (She's So Heavy)/Helter Skelter", "Within You Without You/Tomorrow Never Knows" blended together is nothing short of a revelation. It also reinforces my theory that producer George Martin was the glue that held this foursome together as they personally began to unravel during their final few albums.

The highlight for me is the reworking of "Strawberry Fields Forever", which starts with a smooth transition from Lennon's initial acoustic strumming to the final psychedelic masterwork, and closes with musical flourishes taken from "Sgt. Pepper", "In My Life", "Penny Lane", "Piggies", and "Hello, Goodbye" among others (yes, they're so familiar at this point that they might as well be tattooed on my brain)--the overall effect is simply stunning. And while not every track is a slam dunk (the string-laden "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", now 100% Clapton-free, is a little too maudlin for me, and no one needs more "Octopus' Garden"), it's a great representative cross-section, as well as a creative revisiting, of the Beatles' best songs.

Say what you will about this collection from a commercial aspect, but this sonic recreation of their best songs reminds me why I loved The Beatles in the first place: they were peerless songwriters, and a fun pop band that didn't take itself as seriously as their fans do. Viva Los Beatles!

(Great. There's a 5.1 surround version I haven't heard.)

TOM WAITS NEWS: THE DAILY SHOW AND MORE!

I'm sure everyone has seen The Daily Show but me, but for some reason a video clip of his performance isn't up on CC's oh-so-wittily named MotherLoad (ha ha, I get it!!!). I'll have to watch it tonight on the 8PM rerun.

Meanwhile, here's a great Mr. Waits interview on Pitchfork. You know, for every 10 things I hate about them, they manage to come with 1 or 2 good ones.

This book also looks interesting, in case you need to get me another Xmas gift: "Innocent When You Dream: The Tom Waits Reader" (edited by Mac Montandon), which is a compendium of interviews from 1974-2004.

TW will also be starring in a movie called Wristcutters: A Love Story, about people who attempted suicide. Sounds like another lighthearted romp for Mr. Waits, to rival Mystery Men! The official MySpace info site is here.

Orphans is also available on Emusic.com. Hmmm, I'll have to download it (at least the first two discs worth).

DIE, PITCHFORK, DIE!

Here's a great Slate.com article: DIE, PITCHFORK, DIE! by By Matthew Shaer.

To me Pitchfork Media is pretty harmless, and I only read the reviews for comic relief (and download their free mp3s, of course). If you take their pompous 8th-grade-English-class-quality musings that seriously, you need to get your head examined. Anyway, screw music reviewers, and their condescending, arrogant 1.9 ratings for Damien Rice's new album (I have to admit, it's a chore to listen to). As a famous songwriter once said: "There's a new band in town but you can't get the sound from a story in a magazine." That's right, I just quoted William "Billy" Joel. I suddenly feel like Chuck Klosterman.

TOM WAITS ON LETTERMAN

The elusive Mr. Waits visited the Late Show studio tonight in New York, and even got a sit down segment with Dave. During their discussion, he talked about raking leaves on Thanksgiving at his house in Spittleville, California (?), his kids' TV watching habits (TV meaning "turkey vultures" apparently) and the (incorrect) origin of "dead ringer". Okay, the stories are much more interesting when he tells them.



He closed the show with a performance of "Lie To Me", from the new Orphans collection. (Note: CBS has cut a deal with YouGoogle, so this performance may end up there at some point. I'll keep an eye out.)




I'm still waiting for him to add some more tour dates. I might have to make a road trip and actually see him this time. Tomorrow he's on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. (Maybe he'll be the second guest to perform a song, like The White Stripes a few years back. We shall see.)

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS

To answer the eternal question "What's on my non-iPod digital music player?": The Heartless Bastards. Yes, they sound like a punk band, but like Death Cab for Cutie they sound nothing like what their name would imply. This Cincinnati, Ohio blues/rock group's second album, All This Time, starts off with a simple two-chord piano riff and builds to a chorus with rumbling drums and growling guitars, punctuated by singer Erika Wennerstrom's intriguing voice (I hear a little Patti Smith and Beth Orton in there). Their sound is simple, straightforward, uncomplicated, and unpretentious.

The entire album is streaming on their website, and their record label's site has two free mp3s to DL (see below). Fellow Cincinnatians WOXY.com website has a great "Lounge Act" in-studio live performance that will give you a taste of their sound.

But about that name . . .

Band: The Heartless Bastards [official][MySpace]
Members: Erika Wennerstrom (singer/songwriter/guitarist), Kevin Vaughn (drums), Mike Lamping (bass)
Album: All This Time [Amazon][emusic]
Label: Fat Possum
Best Tracks: Into the Open, All This Time, Searching for the Ghost, Came A Long Way.

WXPN: 885 Greatest Artists of All-Time

WXPN, UPenn's college radio station, has complied an exhausting list of the 885 Greatest Artists of All-Time. As you'll see by the list, it's every artist to ever produce music in the history of mankind. Here's the top 100.

1 THE BEATLES
2 BOB DYLAN
3 ROLLING STONES
4 BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
5 U2
6 LED ZEPPELIN
7 GRATEFUL DEAD
8 NEIL YOUNG
9 PINK FLOYD
10 JONI MITCHELL
11 JIMI HENDRIX
12 THE WHO
13 VAN MORRISON
14 BOB MARLEY & THE WAILERS
15 ERIC CLAPTON
16 DAVID BOWIE
17 R.E.M.
18 JOHNNY CASH
19 ELVIS PRESLEY
20 PAUL SIMON
21 RADIOHEAD
22 STEVIE WONDER
23 ELVIS COSTELLO
24 THE CLASH
25 THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND
26 MILES DAVIS
27 STEELY DAN
28 DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
29 BONNIE RAITT
30 THE DOORS
31 TALKING HEADS
32 JOHN LENNON
33 ELTON JOHN
34 CROSBY, STILLS, NASH & YOUNG
35 JAMES TAYLOR
36 THE BAND
37 JACKSON BROWNE
38 PEARL JAM
39 PRINCE
40 YES
41 TOM WAITS
42 PETER GABRIEL
43 RICHARD THOMPSON
44 FRANK ZAPPA
45 TOM PETTY
46 NIRVANA
47 RAY CHARLES
48 BILLY JOEL
49 JOHN COLTRANE
50 STING
51 SIMON & GARFUNKEL
52 THE KINKS
53 THE BEACH BOYS
54 PHISH
55 GENESIS
56 SANTANA
57 FRANK SINATRA
58 JANIS JOPLIN
59 WILCO
60 STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN
61 COLDPLAY
62 BECK
63 ARETHA FRANKLIN
64 DIRE STRAITS
65 THE CURE
66 LUCINDA WILLIAMS
67 COUNTING CROWS
68 QUEEN
69 INDIGO GIRLS
70 THE EAGLES
71 THE POLICE
72 THE SMITHS
73 JEFF BUCKLEY
74 ELLA FITZGERALD
75 MARVIN GAYE
76 JERRY GARCIA
77 B. B. KING
78 BEN FOLDS
79 RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
80 ANI DIFRANCO
81 TORI AMOS
82 LEONARD COHEN
83 WILLIE NELSON
84 FLEETWOOD MAC
85 THE VELVET UNDERGROUND
86 THE RAMONES
87 WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
88 THE MOODY BLUES
89 LYLE LOVETT
90 RYAN ADAMS
91 PAUL MC CARTNEY
92 LOUIS ARMSTRONG
93 CAROLE KING
94 JOHN HIATT
95 JOHN PRINE
96 THE PIXIES
97 LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
98 PATTY GRIFFIN
99 WARREN ZEVON
100 JETHRO TULL

I like seeing the Pixies edging out Beethoven, and Tom Waits beating the crap out of Mozart, that's classic. There's no arguing or debating the validity of this (e.g. Sting ranked higher than The Police, or the Dead better than Pink Floyd), because it's the FINAL AUTHORITATIVE LIST and it is INSCRUTABLE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN ADAMS, YOU CRAZY BASTARD!

Ryan Adams turned 32 yesterday, and boy is he one screwed-up mofo. A prolific musical genius, an asshole, a dork, maybe all of the above. From critical acclaim (Heartbreaker, which had me at "Argument With Rawlings Concerning Morrissey") to critical bashing (Rock and Roll), he's been all over the map. Perfect evidence of his enigmatic oeuvre can be found at his new Battlestar Galactica designed website with a welcome rap with the lyrics "It's autumn in New York, y'all!" If you dare click on the multitude of buttons (be afraid, be very afraid), you can find Teleport with blog entries, an optical illusion, a Missle Command game (no shit), and random song snippets. Then there's Cardinals Radio (named after his band, not the World Series champs) where you can stream a bunch of his tunes, as well as enjoy the Beck-ish rap stylings of DJ Reggie, and various rap/country/punk tunes by The Shit (all of which are Ryan Adams, of course). I can't decide which is my favorite song, "David Fucking Letterman", "Hillbilly Joel", "Drunk Santa", or "Drunk As A Pile of Shit". Wonderfully weird and pretty hilarious.

His birthday blog entry celebrates music, being sober for 6 months, chocolate, Eddie Izzard, meeting Jennifer Aniston, and spending his birthday in Trinity Church with Cowboy Junkies playing "Sweet Jane"--a lot more exciting than my birthday. Most of all I respect the guy for doing whatever the hell he wants, hipster naysayers be damned, because that's what music is all about. Happy birthday, you crazy bastard!

STREAMING DUMP: DAMIEN RICE "9"

DAMIEN RICE's new album 9 is now streaming in its entirety on AOL Music. It doesn't seem to play with Firefox, so I'm currently sampling it on (GASP!) IE 6.0. The things we do for music.

See the previous blog entry right here.

SCARLETT'S PASTIES AND A G-STRING

Scarlett Johansson has signed a record deal according to FOX News, and will be releasing an album of Tom Waits songs next year. I think this news has everyone collectively saying WTF? But in my eyes, she somehow managed to get HOTTER. I didn't think it would be possible.

This has brought out the punsters, and since I can't make a better joke allow me to quote this AOL Music Blog article:

We're pretty certain that a good portion of the country's male populace has had the phrase 'Pasties and a G-String' run through its collective mind upon hearing the name Scarlett Johansson. For some reason, however, we doubt that those visions feature the actress singing the Tom Waits song of that name -- which may be the best folks can expect, at least for the time being.

I guess we'll have to wait a while for The Island 2. She hasn't really been in a good movie since Lost In Translation, though I'm in the minority I didn't particularly enjoy that one.

A short list of songs I'd like to hear her sing:
Everything Goes To Hell
Bad Liver and a Broken Heart
16 Shells from a Thirty-Ought Six
Warm Beer and Cold Women
What's He Building In There?

A short list of songs that she might actually do (my first musical blognostication):
Time
Hold On
Ol '55 (already done by Sarah Maclachlan)
Tom Traubert's Blues
I Wish I Was In New Orleans

Scarlett Johansson Sings Tom Waits [AOL Music Blog]
Scarlett Johansson Record Deal in the Works [FOX News]

SMOKING GUN: BACKSTAGE PASS

The Smoking Gun has compiled over 200 rock star "riders", which are lists of backstage requirements for touring musicians. Naturally, they're pretty absurd. The newest one is for The Killers, who apparently require Makers Mark bourbon on Mon, Wed, Fri, while preferring Jack Daniels on Tues, Thurs, and Sat, and Jameson on Sundays (because it's The Day of Rest, I suppose).

Although I couldn't click on all 200, I've highlighted some of the most interesting requirements I've found so far:

Guns n' Roses. Wonder bread and Dom Perignon for Axl, porn mags for the band.
Van Halen. Wow, that's a lot of tequila! (This must be from the Van Hagar days, before he marketed his own.)
Sinead O'Connor (2002). "Root ginger - raw (about two hands worth)". (Huh?)
Christina Aguilera (2000). "Flinstones Vitamins".
Paul McCartney (2000). "Paul's furniture should be nice & comfy!" Jeez, that's better furnished than my apartment.
Meat Loaf. First of all "'MEAT LOAF' is two (2) words". Second, "roast beef tenderloin (cooked medium) sliced and served hot in a covered chafing tray - beef gravy on the side" and "steamed broccoli and sauteed green beans almandine (CRISP -NOT SOGGY). What, no meat loaf?
Luciano Pavarotti. "There must be no distinct smells anywhere near the Artist." Hey, he who smelt it, dealt it.
Pearl Jam (2003). A tank of oxygen, but NO BUDWEISER! Amen, Eddie.

THE D

Tenacious D is back.

JB and Kyle have a movie coming out on 11/17 called The Pick of Destiny. The trailer makes it look like a cross between The Blues Brothers and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Man, I hope it's not as bad as those two movies.

Two righteous dudes? Who came up with that lame voiceover?

They also have a video for the title song from the movie. This news is even more interesting: they're playing Madison Square Garden. How is that possible? Can they really fill that place? They seem like a Theater at MSG type of band.

Long live the D!

UPDATE: I took the embedded trailer off the blog, because it plays EVERYTIME YOU VISIT THE BLOG (unlike YouTube, and the like). That was annoying, and quite frankly the trailer wasn't all that funny. Anyway, Tenacious D was a lot more tolerable when they just appeared in 10 minute episodes after "Mr. Show".

DOWN THE YOUTUBE

I can't believe Google bought a U-Tube for over (/placing outstreched pinky finger onto corner of mouth) ONE BILLION DOLLARS. I'm sure there are cheaper U-tube manometers out there; in fact, you can build your own if you wish to check your proprane pressure. Oh, they bought YouTube. My bad. That's still a lot of money. Now it's merely going to be a huge marketing site for whores like Paris Hilton, Sean "BK Diddy Whopper" Combs and that asinine lonelygirl15 thing. What a drag.

It was fun while it lasted. But eventually, as Tom Waits once sang, Everything Goes To Hell.

Therefore I'm discontinuing my scintillating FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS feature because it's only a matter of time before the record companies start suing Google for copyright infringement. I also don't feel like having a truckload of dead video links on my blog.

TOWER COLLAPSES UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT

Tower Records, who declared bankruptcy two years ago and tried to make a comeback, is finally going out of business for good and selling off all their merchandise. Honestly, this chain was great was about 20 years ago, and when I was still buying records I would routinely make pilgrimages to the 4th & Broadway store, and during college to buy cassettes and CDs at the Philly South Street branch. I can't even tell you how many yellow and red bags I've ended up with over the years.

However I can't say I've purchased anything from them in quite some time, because they've ALWAYS been overpriced; if your non-sale CDs are consistently priced at $18.99 and up it's only a matter of time before you go under. The only thing I can say for them is that they always had the widest selection of CDs, which made all the difference when you were looking for that obscure import pressing or a rare single.

It's just as well since no one collects records anymore, or even calls them "records" anymore. Now I have to go check out the Nanuet store to see what they have left . . .

DAMIEN RICE: NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9 . . .

Damien Rice is finally returning with his second album, 9, on November 14th. This is not his 9th album, it's only his 2nd. The 10 (not 9) song tracklist:

1. 9 Crimes
2. The Animals Were Gone
3. Elephant
4. Rootless Tree
5. Dogs
6. Coconut Skins
7. Me, My Yoke And I
8. Grey Room
9. Accidental Babies
10. Sleep Don't Weep

The first single, featuring Lisa Hannigan on vocals, entitled "9 Crimes" is streaming online. It will be released on October 9 on iTunes. No word if he's including a hidden cover of The Beatles "Revolution 9". Nine, 9, nine, 9 . . . I've typed it so much, the number has lost all meaning.

IS THAT ALL RIGHT, IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?

FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS: BATTLE OF THE ALBUM COVERS

This video is genius. I don't know what else to say, so just watch it.



Animated by Man vs. Magnet, courtesy of Ugly Pictures (who have some funny VW netads too).