JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

McSweeney's has some damn funny writing on their blog. Among the best stuff is JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES, which can be best described as letters written in response to a song. Okay, that's not a good description, so here are some examples.

Attention, Mr. Axl Rose: We Did Not Feel Welcome in the Jungle.

"The trip was a disaster from almost the beginning. True, you welcomed us to the jungle. And that was hospitable. And right off the bat you promised fun and games. But there were never any fun and games! Would it have been so hard to put together a bingo or a quick trivia thing? Then you promised that you and the other fellows could find whatever we might need. Well, we needed food and somewhere to lie down for a while. And all you offered was some stale pretzels and an old futon."

A LETTER TO SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND FROM SGT. PEPPER.

"Battling loneliness is difficult even without having a veteran rock band constantly drawing attention to it. I know you always get by with a little help from your friends, but the efforts of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band make my loneliness a life sentence. Imagine a day in my life, boys. Here I am, almost 64 now, with no one to turn to."

CONCERNING JON BON JOVI, WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

"Bon Jovi is no regular cowboy. He rides a horse made of steel. A steel horse. I am not shitting you. And don't think this is some sort of comical clunky robot horse with whimsical hydraulic sound effects and extraneous flashing lights. This thing is exactly like a Thoroughbred, only much larger and made from an incredibly resilient alloy. Bullets can't even penetrate this horse, much less stop it. Bon Jovi is also armed with a loaded six-string that he carries on his back. Reports differ on whether he uses it as a sort of crossbow or whether it's actually a guitar that he plays with such shocking mastery as to render victims helpless. Regardless, take heed."

Funny stuff.