MISSING PERSONS: SINGERS

There is a new epidemic that is sweeping the concert scene this summer, and this time we're not talking about herpes. Lead singers of major rock bands are disappearing in record numbers, and it may have already happened to your favorite band without your knowledge. Even though their frontmen have gone AWOL, more often then not these bands continue to tour without them. This phenomenon is akin to a chicken still running around with its head cut off; it may still continue to function for a short time without any apparent ailment, but it will eventually collapse and die. Oh, and it's pretty disgusting to watch.

The biggest problem, however, is that most of these bands tour using their original name. Although some bands have made this clear through highly notable personnel changes and/or lawsuits, like Pink Floyd without Roger Waters, or Van Halen without David Lee Roth, there are many others are not so forthcoming. This is false advertising at its finest; at least the makers of a food called "blueberry muffin mix" are required by the FDA to state, albeit in the smallest font they can find, "includes imitation blueberry flavored bits". However, the rock music industry is not required by law to disclose the missing main ingredient that made us fans of the band in the first place, with disasterous results.

At least some bands make strides to hint at their inadequacies. For instance, The Doors, touring with Ian Astbury on lead vocals to replace the irreplaceable Jim Morrison, at least had the decency to call themselves "21st Century Doors". Last year, even though the Michael Hutchence-less INXS unfortunately deceided to retain their name, at least they chose a replacement singer through a well-publicized reality show (and you, the viewer, are partly responsible for the stiff they ultimately chose). This summer, The Cars, touring without lead singer Rik Ocasek or deceased bassist/singer Ben Orr, have added Todd Rundgren to their lineup to become "New Cars" (and no, that's not a "new car smell" that you're getting a whiff of). Unfortunately, not all bands are this honest towards the ticket buying public. (Don't get me started with Jefferson Airplane/Starship; there are two incarnations out there, neither of them featuring Grace Slick.)

Something has to be done about this travesty. Until the government steps in and stops this criminal activity, I have made a handy list of the offending culprits who are covering up the true identities of their band members, and I have proposed new names that at least hint at the changes they have made without totally confusing their fan base.

Styx - Dennis DeYoung = Stynx
Foreigner - Lou Gramm = Foreignest
Alice in Chains - Layne Staley = Jerry in Debt
Queen - Freddie Mercury = Queenless
10,000 Maniacs - (Natalie Merchant + Robert Buck) = 9,998 Maniacs
Journey - Steve Perry = Journey's End