TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006

I want to apologize for the "Best of" music lists that I posted the other day. If you actually visited some of the sites/blogs that I linked to, you might have found some good indie rock songs. However, there's an equal chance that you also accidentally heard some unbelievably horrendous garbage. Holy sweet wolfmother, some of this stuff is atrocious! Indie bloggers seem to be in the mindset that they have to "outcool" the next guy by choosing bands that are obscure, avant-garde, and uncategorizable, preferably all of the above. They also want to praise their new find way before anyone else, and I don't think they actually spend any time LISTENING to it. When I hear some of this nonsense I wonder if people actually listen to this stuff at home, in the car, or at parties? I'm guessing no. These pseudohipsters just put it on their iPod along with 5,000 other things and listen to it on shuffle occasionally, and whip it out to impress god only knows who.

Before I slogged through some of these lists, I used to consider myself an "indie rock" fan, but I think I need a whole new genre to describe my tastes. Maybe "conventional indie rock": something with lyrics, a chorus, melodies, and a singer who can (sort of) carry a tune. A great deal of this stuff lacks all of those key ingredients that IMHO make music enjoyable and listenable.

So here's my TOP 10 UNLISTENABLE PRETENTIOUS INDIE CRAP OF 2006. Listen if you dare.

10. Grizzly Bear, Yellow House. You know, with a name like that, I expected something less wimpy. Okay, the song "Easier" is not that bad, but it surely doesn't ROCK MY FUCKING SOCKS OFF.
Favorite hipster quote: "The album was recorded in Edward Droste's mother's Cape Cod home, and that familial, clean sheets, cookies-baking warmth is weirdly palpable." (Pitchfork)

9. Regina Spektor, Begin To Hope. Just listen to the annoying way she extends the word "heart" in the song "Fidelity". I don't ever want to hear that again. I wish there was some way to UNhear it.
Favorite hipster quote: "The hushed 'Sampson' combines biblical imagery and references to Wonder Bread to sketch a relationship that's turned unexpectedly fragile." (Onion AV Club)

8. Matmos, The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of The Beast. An instrumental album filled with songs about famous gay artists? What does that even fucking mean? And where's Liberace? His exclusion from this project is an outrage. (Actually, I think I just hit on something: if it's described in a review as a "project", that means listening to it is going to feel like work. From now on, I'm going to focus on "albums" with "songs".)
Favorite hipster quote: "Take for example 'Public Sex For Boyd Mcdonald' which tries to convey the writer through the sound of a pencil scribbling on paper, the street at night, warped records, and well, public sex."
(Note: I just found out that one of the 2 members of this duo is a "Pitchfork contributor". Ah ha! I caught you, you nepotistic nimwits!)

7. Final Fantasy, He Poos Clouds. A band named after a queer Japanese videogame series. An album title with the word "poo" in it. A song lyric saying something about, "His massive genitals refused to cooperate/no amount of therapy can hope to save this memory." I want to kick this twee twat in his throat with his own foot.
Favorite hipster quote: "It's the personal nature, together with the way that Pallett’s vocals veer from fey to screamingly intense, which makes the sad fates of his characters in almost every song—impotence, boredom, self-harm, being killed by giant fish—compelling rather than abstract." (Stylus)

6. Man Man, Six Demon Bag. Well, they're certainly no Tin Tin, The The or Talk Talk; they don't even beat Lisa Lisa. It sounds like James Hetfield trapped at the circus. God, what the fuck is this?
Favorite hipster quote: "The countless Kodak moments here-- from the drunken lament of "Feathers" to the Noreaga shoutout on "Black Mission Goggles"-- only attest to Man Man's ability to power pawnshop ditties with a ramshackle classic rock bigness." (Pitchfork)

5. The Knife, Silent Shout. The Pitchfork Media #1 album of the year! Uh huh. Lord knows, I tried to listen to this, but the accents and the synths just irritate me. If I wanted horrible retro Swedish crap, I'd buy a bean bag chair from IKEA.
Favorite hipster quote: "The way they structure their tracks, every sound sticks out like a lone wire waiting to be stripped, but the more you tug on any given strand, the more all the rest--unstable harmonics, queered pitches, android shanties, looping tales of forest families--is plunged into the most addictive kind of inscrutability." (Pitchfork)

4. The Liars, Drums Not Dead. I don't know where to begin with this drum heavy offering. The song "Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack" is like one long primal drum solo augmented with the screams of the tortured souls forced to listen to it. Pretty soon you'll add your own screams.
Favorite hipster quote: "You will be hard pressed to find anything better this year." (FUNTIMEOK.com)

3. Boris, Pink. God, this is so irritating to listen to, like a Mogwai CD run across a cheese grater. "Pseudobread"? Pseudomusic! (See how I turned that around?) I call it "Crapcaphony".
Favorite hipster quote: "Prickled nerves and spasmodic movements aside, Boris’ contribution to the artistic color field is soporifically monochromatic: Ryman on Risperdal." (Stylus)

2. Scott Walker, The Drift. This guy's voice contains more bombast than Meat Loaf's Bat Out Of Hell III and Andrew Lloyd Webber combined. It's like goth opera for the mentally challenged. I defy you to listen to his song "Jesse" and not laugh your ass off, oh let's say at about 2:15 in.
Favorite hipster quote: "Presiding over this palace of gloom is Walker's gnarled, throaty croon, a gallows moan that braids sweetness and violence." (Pitchfork)

1. Joanna Newsom, Ys. This is inexplicably on most people's best of lists. If you want listen to a girl from California who has such an arty, affected voice that you'd think she's from Saturn, then this is for you. Otherwise, stay away from this pretentious Bjork ripoff.
Favorite hipster quote: "In the middle of this record, she sits alone with her harp for 10 minutes, asking stuffed birds 'Why the long face?'--it feels like four minutes, tops, and you can spend at least two of them right up toward the edge of your seat." (Pitchfork)

God, I am so done with Pitchfork and their indie sissy wannabe spinoff blogs (except if they offer free mp3s). 2007 is going to be the YEAR OF THE ROCK.


(Thanks to David Thorpe for the inspiration for this extended indie rock rant.)

MY TOP 20 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Here it is, my incredible Top 20 Favorite Christmas Songs list!

Wherever possible, there's a link to a YouTube video or an mp3 (thanks, random bloggers!). Those who did not make the cut: Lennon and/or McCartney, Elton John, Mariah Carey, Jim Nabors, Wham!, Jim Jones, Alvin & The Chipmunks, The Singing Dogs, Perry Como, Barney and Friends. Honorable mention: Death Cab for Cutie, Billy Crystal, James Brown, Run-DMC, Smashing Pumpkins, Kate Bush--there just wasn't enough room. Better luck next time!

20. Luciano Pavarotti - Adeste Fideles. Because you have to get your Latin on for Christmas, and who better to do it than the Biggest Tenor.


19. South Park's Mr. Garrison - Merry Fucking Christmas. Filthy, inappropriate, non-PC, and hilarious: yep, it's one of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics from "South Park", back when they were shocking AND funny. It was hard to choose just one of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's side-splitting holiday tunes (Chef's "What The Hell Child Is This?", Cartman's "O Holy Night", and Mr. Mackey's"Carol of the Bells" are also highlights), but it's hard to beat Mr. Garrison singing these lyrics: "Hey there Mr. Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas, put down that book the Koran and hear some holiday wishes! In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday, so get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate!" Wow, that's fantastic. (You know, I haven't seen it on TV in a while, I wonder why?)

18. Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick. Before Brian Wilson lost his mind, they were a quality boy band.

17. The Pretenders - 2000 Miles. I love Chrissie Hynde. She's always been a class act, and this is a great, wistful song about being apart on Christmas.

16. Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. The original and the best.

15. The Ventures - Sleigh Ride. Surf guitar kings knock this one out of the park.

14. Cocteau Twins - Frosty The Snowman. The original shoegazer band recorded this song in 1992. I love Elizabeth Frazer's voice, even if 90% of the time I have no idea what she's saying. (Unrelated note: "Teardrop" by Massive Attack is one of my favorite songs, and is also the theme song to House M.D., albeit with Liz' vocals edited out.) Remember: if it's not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!


13.The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York. "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Merry Christmas your arse and thank God it's our last!" Ah, memories of spending the holidays with my Irish ex-girlfriend in the Bronx. Hearing this song I can practically taste the pint . . .

12. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby. Unfortunately, most people have only heard Madonna's abomination of this song, but this sultry, smoky original version is excellent.

11. Frank Sinatra - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. You know when Ol' Blue Eyes says the line "make the yuletide gay", he ain't talking about acting all queer-like; he's talking about knocking back a few scotchs and having a fun time. Capice?

10. Ella Fitzgerald - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Great version, and the only one I know with that "I just got back from a lovely trip across the Milky Way" opening line.

9. Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remember listening to this album in our old house at 659 Holmdel Road in Hazlet. Wow, just seeing that vintage record album cover brings me back to 1975. Yeah, he sang a few songs with George Clooney's aunt back in the day.

8. Burl Ives - A Holly Jolly Christmas. From the Rankin-Bass claymation legend "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer".


7. Elvis Presley - Blue Christmas. I can picture the King washing down his fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches with a healthy swig of egg nog after singing this bluesy romp.

6. Nat King Cole - The Christmas Song. His mellifluous voice makes this the quintessential version of this Mel Torme classic.


5. U2 - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). Recorded during a Joshua Tree concert sound check at the height of their powers. You know, before Bono tried to save the world and all that.

4. Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal). West Coast jazz from the 70s TV classic "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I couldn't decide between this and "O Tannenbaum".


3. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy. From "Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas" special in 1977, the little skit preceding it with Mr. Bowie pretending to be a "neighbor just popping in" is priceless. ("Agents sliding down the chimney!" Oh, the comedy.) Anyway, it's a fantastic song, and the "I pray my wish will come true" line still gives me chills.


2. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas? This was an event when it came out in 1984, and I can still name all the singers that sing solo on this tune (in order): Paul Young, Boy George, George Michael, Simon LeBon, Sting, Tony Hadley (of Spandau Ballet), and Bono. Of course, there's also Midge Ure, Bob Geldof, Paul Weller, Status Quo, Kool and the Gang, Bananarama, the rest of Duran Duran, Phil Collins on drums, Marilyn . . . did I lose you yet?

1. Johnny Mathis - Winter Wonderland. The first track of his Merry Christmas (1958) album, it's not officially Christmas until I hear this song. Backed by the Percy Faith Orchestra, it's got just the right amount of spirit and schmaltz to carry me to otherworldly snowy realms. Sorry, it just makes me feel tingly, especially when he says "circus clown".

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(Just make sure you don't let that tree dry out.)

BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST

At year's end, it's hard to avoid these damn "best of" lists. So here is my BEST OF BEST OF 2006 LISTS LIST:

10. Most Annoying Pop Songs of 2006. I really thought Fergie was going to clinch this (ugh, I hate her). This MUST be amended to put Gwen Stefani's new song on here.

9. NPR Listeners Pick Best CDs of 2006. Odd considering all the ass kissing that this is one of the few lists that Tom Waits is on. Don't miss The Decemberists on The Colbert Report tonight!

8. I Guess I'm Floating's Best Songs Of 2006. There are 25 mp3s up here, so if you're indie (ha) that sort of thing grab them now.

7. Indie Rock Cafe Top 10 Albums of 2006. Although it's a rerelase of two early albums, I like the inclusion of Spoon's "Telephono/Soft Effects".

6. Slate. Like Kris said today, I don't even know half of the things on this guy's list, and it's heavy on the R&B, light on substance. Though they like Bob Dylan.

5c. Pitchfork Media's Worst Album Covers of 2006. NOT SAFE FOR WORK--or your funny bone! Ha ha, seriously, these are bad.

5b. Pitchfork's Top 100 Tracks of 2006. Unless you're being ironic, turn that Justin Timberlake song off. I'm only linking to all 10 pages for the copious amount of free mp3s. [2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10]

5a. Pitchfork Media's Top 50 Albums of 2006. The second list they've spewed forth in as many days is a doozy. Oddly, there were 15 albums ranked higher than their eventual #1 pick (by some Swedish band called The Knife). Maybe it's for the best, because unlistenable stuff like Joanna Newsom, and "maybe I don't get it, but they sound like an ordinary bar band to me" The Hold Steady, each of which scored a 9.4.

4. Stylus Magazine's Top 50 Albums Of 2006. I can't read more of these, I have a headache. Anyway, good to see Beirut up there. (Note: they should be finishing this up over the next couple of days.)

3. DoCopenhagen's Top 50 Videos Of 2006. This is an indie heavy list, and it's fantastic. Damien Rice's "9 Crimes" should have been on here just for its complete weirdness alone. Regardless, 50 embedded YouTube videos = an amazing time waster.

2. The Onion AV Club Top Music of 2006. They too went with the "retro record player" photo, but their list is strangely more indie than PM's. Huh. I like the Onion more and more each day.

1. Metacritic's Best of 2006. Probably the most "democratic" of all the lists, it too is a "list of lists" that compiles everyone else's best of 2006. I have to say that I'm not hip enough to know who Ali Farka Toure is. By the way, I love how everyone was all ga-ga about Gnarls Barkley at the beginning of the year, and now no one wants to admit they listened to it. Of course, if it wasn't a hit and no one bought it, it would be everyone's #1. (I don't care how many people like TV on the Radio, I refuse to buy an album called "Return to Cookie Mountain".)

PANDORA BOXING DAY

I found a great way to listen to Christmas music on Pandora. Create a new station, and type in your favorite artist and type "holiday" in parentheses. Like this: "Bing Crosby (holiday)" and you'll get all the Bing holiday classics that you can shake a bowl full of jelly at. Then you can add music to the station using the "(holiday)" name. Although beware: Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur) was just caught singing "Twelve Days of Christmas" on my station, and I had him captured and shot. We're not having another Jurassic Park fiasco. Not on my watch.

Merry Pandora!

RANDOM DUMPAGE

U2's Bono and Edge were on something called "Off The Record with Dave Stewart" on HBO. Although it felt a little like an hour long commercial for their new completely nonessential U218 singles album (IN STORES NOW!), it was interesting to listen to them talk about the genesis of songs such as "Bad" and "Bullet The Blue Sky". Eurythmics founder/producer Dave was an affable, knowledgeable host, but he did this weird "association" segment where he showed them album covers and had them comment on each one. When showed a copy of "Sgt. Pepper", Bono said something about The Beatles being "the overall top group ever . . . but I think we've got them on the run", which elicited groans from the crowd, and from me sitting at home. I also didn't agree with them when they said that "their best work is yet to come." Personally, I think I already own all of their vital music. After seeing them in concert in October 2005, and hating their last two discs, I don't have any use for them. But hey, they had a good run.

This is the best "rock n' roll mission statement" I've ever read: "Ghostland Observatory is not a band, but an agreement between two friends to create something that not only heals their beat-driven hearts, but pleases their rock 'n' roll souls". Amen, brah.

I love David Thorpe's hilarious musical rantings on Something Awful called Your Band Sucks, and his latest musings about heavy metal are priceless.

COMING SOON: MY TOP 20 XMAS SONGS OF ALL-TIME!