THE CHRISTMASOCHIST: THIS HAD BETTER BE THE LAST CHRISTMAS

For some reason, the song "Last Christmas" by Wham! has been covered forty bazillion times it seems. Okay, at least it seems like that on XM radio, and Amazon's mp3 store has nearly 100 versions of it available (including karaoke); though I refuse to install iTunes on my laptop I would guess they have 5 times as many. If you thought you hated the original (I actually don't, since I think George Michael has a great pop voice), just wait until you hear some of these horrendous cover versions. It's Christmasochism!

Britt Nicole. I can't tell the difference between this and any of 546 chick singers who wish they were Avril Lavigne. (See also: Leigh Nash.)

Hawk Nelson. This Canadian Christian punk-pop quartet--okay, I think we can stop right there.

Christmas Angels. They couldn't even get the line right, instead singing, "Once bitten and twice as shy." I'm thinking this is a band from Finland or Israel with a very tenuous grasp on the English language, at best. (See also: Bth and Eurobeat 4 Christmas.)

Caramelle. Soulless soul from the "Last Christmas 2008" collection. I have looked into the future, and this still sucks a year from now. Not to be confused with Cadbury's Caramello, which are delicious.

The Tamlins. This one breaks the first rule of reggae: it doesn't have a reggae beat. As a bonus it has tone deaf back-up singers. Definitely harshes your buzz.

Scala & Kolachny Brothers. I only include this because this German choir does impossibly nightmarish versions of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "The Blower's Daughter" and "Creep". I'm having flashbacks to 8th grade concert chorus, when we were forced to do a stunningly bad Beatles medley.

From the dance club remix department, I couldn't decide who sucked more: Paul Active or Exone so you get both in your stocking. You click it, you buy it! No refunds or exchanges.

Collage. From "Planet Freestyle Volume 1", making me sincerely hope there isn't a volume 2. God, this fucking sucks. I hate Christmas now.

Christmas Hitters. This ponderous Muzak album has just a two word review: "Christmas Shitters". "They can't print that!"

Studio Group. Recorded at Studio. By Group. Released by Record Company.

Smokey. Ironic that he chose that name, since this guy's awful voice is pretty much the exact opposite of Smokey Robinson. This song is haunted by The Ghost of Falco Past!

Lars H.U.G. I guess they were going for "creepy European lounge lizard". Well played. Not sure what H.U.G. stands for, but this certainly does S.U.K.

Minuteman. Seriously, what the fuck is this? It faded out after 10 seconds, and should have damn well stayed silent.

Findlay Brown. From the album "The Best Kids Christmas Album In The World Ever Ever Ever!!!" Perfect if your kids are into folk music that makes you want to slit your wrists.

Peter J. Wheeler. The 2nd best master of the pan flute. (Enter dick joke here.) Once kicked Zamfir's ass in the bathroom of the Minneapolis Hooters.

Tony Evans and His Orchestra. Apparently Tony's "orchestra" is a cheap Casiotone keyboard. This "cha cha" version is guaranteed to induce seizures.

Roses Are Red. Finally--let's rock! Never mind, it's whiny emo rock garbage.

Valentin Movtosky. After all the other entries, this is actually starting to sound good to me. That's right, it's from "Golden Accordion, Vol. 1". Someone please help me.

Antonia de Lucena. From "Golden Guitars, Vol. 1"--what's with the golden instruments? Wouldn't they be too heavy and malleable to play? And why do we need the CD playing in the background of this, like one of those YouTube amateur guitarist videos?

Kidz Bop. These albums are incredibly awful. There are over 20 of them, and 9 of them have gone gold. This shit has to stop.

Elisa Mutto E Linda Cobelli Coro Dei Bambini. The Italian Kidz Bop.

No holiday would be complete without Crazy Frog, the fucking annoying ringtone that spawned five Top 20 singles in the UK. This is right up there with Kidz Bop, in that its very existence and subsequent popularity is completely inexplicable.

Peter Wheeler. From the illustrious "Christmas by Synthesizer", the album released before "Death by Synthesizer".

Band Orchestra Giuseppe Bovo & Majorettes Show. The only one that dares rock the glockenspiel!

Raunchy. Oh man, this sucks.

I'd like to apologize to little baby Jesus for this.

RETROCRUSH TOP 100 WORST COVER SONGS

This is a great list: Retrocrush Top 100 Worst Cover Songs. As of today they're up to #13 and they update it frequently.
Some good ones so far:

#85 "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" by Jessica Simpson
Even if she changed the lyrics to "These Jugs Were Made For Suckin'" it'd still be hard to listen to.

#69 "We Will Rock You" by 5ive
For starters, I hate 5ive for using a "5" instead of an "F" in the first letter of their band's name. It's pretty 5ucking 5oolish. This cover of the Queen classic may have band members from Queen in it, but once the boy band tough guy "vocals" kick in, you just start praying for a zombie Freddie Mercury to take the stage and eat all of their brains (which admittedly wouldn't be much to snack on).

#49 "More Than This" by 10,000 Maniacs
Swapping Merchant with Mary Ramsey is like losing Al Pacino in your movie and getting Screech to take his place.

#45 "Another Brick in the Wall" by Korn
You know, Pink Floyd seemed smart enough to say, "We don't need no education" with some authority, Korn...not so much.

UPDATE: Well, it's all over but the crying. I agree with some of their later additions, including #18 "Love Song" by 311, #16 "Chop Suey!" by Avril Lavigne ("the musical equivalent of your girlfriend yelling at you on the phone for an hour"), and #12 "911 Is A Joke" by Duran Duran (that whole covers CD was torture).

Here are their Top 10:

#10 "Piece of My Heart" by Faith Hill
#9 "Downtown Train" by Rod Stewart
#8 "The Greatest Love of All" by Kevin Rowland
#7 "Ring of Fire" by Olivia Newton John
#6 "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Ol' Dirty Bastard and Macy Gray
#5 "American Pie" by Madonna
#4 "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit
#3 "Stairway to Heaven" by Dolly Parton
#2 "Every Breath You Take" by Puff Daddy
#1 "Layla (Unplugged)" by Eric Clapton

Yes, I agree with many of these, especially #9 "Downtown Train" by Rod Stewart ("I'm sure Waits had said that he would have never even recorded this had he known that Rod was going to wipe his ass with it like this"), and certainly the talentless hack Puff Daddily Diddly, who makes Madonna look like Mozart.

I would have also added: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Paul Young (Joy Division), "'Heroes'" by The Wallflowers (David Bowie), "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz (The Guess Who), "Under Pressure" by My Chemical Romance (Queen/Bowie), "Comfortably Numb" by Scissor Sisters (Pink Floyd). Ugh.

I don't agree with #1, however. Isn't a cover song technically done by someone other than the original artist? (They have two of these in the top 13; the new version of "Candle in the Wind" is just as shitty as the first). Yes, Slowhand's unplugged version ripped the balls off of the song, making it no longer "a song to steal George Harrison's wife with", but he was trying a different interpretation of it (like every 'unplugged' album did at the time). Sure, it made you forget how great the original was (When that piano kicks in at the end? That's hard to beat). And while it was a novelty the first time you heard it, and after the 40,000th time it was just a gimmick, it's not the worst cover song ever.

Of course, the big question is: why isn't Bill Shatner on here? Did these kids not get the memo that his "Transformed Man" album was actually intended as a serious work of art? It may seem hard to fathom but it was NOT a novelty record, and he was NOT in on the joke back then, like he is now. He was 100% dead serious about that album, reading poetry and reciting popular rock lyrics like he was some sort of renaissance man, and it was 100% incredibly bad.

Therefore, I am removing Clapton and replacing him with William Shatner "Mr. Tamborine Man" at #1. Done.

Here's a funny parody video of the above song:


SEE ALSO: Kirk & Spock: Their Celestial Musical Fantasy